April 22, 2012

After 4 years a huge chapter of my life has come to a close.

 ...here's to the future.

I'm gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..

I am so close to finishing my last paper and it's taking everything within me to push through. Not because I am lazy or because I enjoy procrastinating, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to finish it because that means I'm one step closer to letting go of everything PLBC. 

The closer graduation gets the more my stomach hurts and my chest tightens.

So much has changed over the past 4 years...and so much has changed over the past 1 year. The majority of those changes have been amazing and awesome but I still find it hard to deal with the ones that were supposed to be close to my heart. 

I'm not close to the people I used to be.

Things change, but time heals eventually.....right?

......Here's to letting go

......Here's to moving forward..

To My BC Family.

Over the past 2 years I have had the privilege of living with Don & Gail Sullivan & fam. I didn't know them very well when I first moved in but they quickly became family. From the moment I walked into their house - before I even knew I would be staying there - I had such peace and the feeling of "this is home". They treated me like I was one of their own kids and often let me have large amounts of students over for movies or eggo parties! Sure I paid rent every month, but they often went above and beyond what they needed to. When I was sick they gave me meds, they bought loads of white bread just for me, and they were always present at my recitals.  I moved out this past week and have quickly realized just how extremely blessed I was to have been able to stay there.

To the Sullivans:
-Thank you for giving me a home away from home
-Thank you for all your support in regards to schooling, music and the plans that God has for me.
-Thank you for giving me a job at your shop.
-Thank you for all the white bread you bought me
-Thank you for allowing me to have friends over
-Thank you for putting up with Luke ;)
-Thank you for always looking out for me and for making sure I had what I needed when I was sick
-Thank you for your encouragement, correction and love
-Thank you for going above and beyond what you needed to.
-Thank you for forcing me to learn how to cook (even though i still have a LONG way to go!)
...the list could go on and on!

I love you guys and I am so extremely thankful that God allowed our paths to run parallel for the past 2 years.  I pray that God will continue to bless you and that many more students will find a "home" in your guys' place :)
Miss you already!

Love,
Jess

twelve days.

I'm so close its scary.
It's hard to focus on finishing well when there is seemingly more important things to take care of.
So much change is happening.
I'm learning to express myself and not repress it.
I'm struggling to be okay with having unanswered questions and worries
I miss my family and hate that I'm missing out on my niece growing up.
Stress has become a norm, unfortunately.
I worry that when I graduate all this weight upon my shoulders won't be lifted like I expect it to be
I need a vacation
I need a job
Jesus is the only person who has never failed me, yet I struggle to trust him the most.
I've lost my passion to dream and the childlike faith that comes with it.
I can't wait to leave the Christian bubble.
I fear I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
I feel as if all hell is against me...oh wait it is.

.....all the while you hold my world secure in the palm of your hand.  Thank-you.

32 days.

God, please let me see your church like you do... 

...love them like you do

...believe in them like you do

...care about them like you do

'cause i'm struggling with all of the above.

I am nothing without you..

The past few days leading up to my worship night have been hard. I have a cough, my throat hurts and I have become discouraged.  Doesn't God know I need to sing tomorrow? Doesn't God know I can't fulfill this school requirement unless he intervenes? Doesn't he know that lots of people are going to be there?!

But......

         Do I realize this isn't about me?

         Do I realize how much I've thought I can do this on my own?

         Do I grasp the reality that my very life depends on Christ's desire for me to live?

         Do I understand that my giftings are for his glory alone?

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" - 2 Cor. 12:9

Needless to say I've come to the realization that I am nothing and can do nothing without Christ. There is no way I can get up there tomorrow and sing without him strengthening my voice. There is no way anyone will be impacted without him pouring out upon us. There is no way I can, or want to, do this in my own strength.

I need you more, 

more than the air i breathe, 

more than the song i sing,

 more than my next heart beat, 

I need you more

I know that God is faithful and that he will provide me with everything I need to walk through tomorrow night.  My weakness is great, but his grace, strength, power, wisdom and love are far greater.  

Lord you are all I need, I lay everything I am &everything I lack before you.

Please fill me up with you...so I can pour you out to those around me. 

It's all about you. It's all about you. It's all about you.

Ican'tbelieveitsalmostmarchahh.

I haven't written in over a month and the only reason I can think of is because I've been out living life instead of just writing about it. Life is hectic and as per usual I am finding it hard to balance everything that is important to me. But through the thick forest God has shown me rays of light that are challenging me to the core.

1. Integrity is more important than we can begin to imagine. I don't know about you, but I want God to be able to use me anywhere and at anytime he wants. Obviously he doesn't need my help in order to accomplish his purposes but it is possible for us to disqualify ourselves by participating in senseless acts of disobedience that have lasting negative consequences.
* Be a man or woman of Integrity - don't give yourself a "just this once" opportunity that you will regret! It's hard but God's been teaching me how to count the cost of living a life worthy of my calling - it's worth it!

2. Be yourself, be comfortable in your giftings and never doubt the plans God has for you.
Only 1.5 months till graduation and I have no clue "what I am going to do with my life". My verse for the year is Matt 6:33 "Do not worry" so I am trying my best to walk that out. It's a challenge but at the same time its frees me up to enjoy the last bit of this life chapter. I am learning to take my giftings in stride and allow God to release them in His timing and not my own. His plans are good, solid and trustworthy. Trust him.

Life is exciting, stretching and refreshing. Thank you God for teaching me how to be me and how to rest in your plan.