Set apart this dream.

Last week while I was at home I was going through some of my stuff and came across my journal from 2003-2006. As I read through the pages I was hit with the realization of how much I've changed, not all of it being in the way that I hoped. From the ages of 13-16, I had eyes for only God. I spent hours by myself laying on the church floor praying and listening to music hoping to catch an even greater glimpse of the God I was so incredibally in love with. I was whole, I knew who I was, I was confident, I was focused and more importantly I knew my worth. As I grew older and entered into a relationship, that seemed to change. I wasn't treated right and I didnt do anything about it till much later because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. Through disappointment, after disappointment I began to think that thats just how things are...this is what I'm worth. There has always been that small hope that says "There is something better, Your worth so much more than this, so much more than you can imagine". But lifes storms and let downs just didn't line up with that hope. So I gradually began to believe the lie that satan was feeding me.
It's almost been a year that i've been single, and I'm still dealing with the ramifications of my worth being worn down over a long period of time. So many people tell me "you have to look at what the Lord says about you"..and I know thats true, but it's not that easy. It's formed into a habit to think this way. Everytime I go with my sister to try on engagement rings, this thought always crosses my mind "Will there ever be a guy that will think I'm worth buying this for?" and No, It has nothing to do with material possessions.
It's takin me a while to actually admit that I struggle in this area, but i've heard that the first step to recovery is admitting that I have a problem. so here it is.
Lord I need your help, please break past the lies that i've bought into about who I am and what I'm worth. I know that you see me as a rare diamond that is to be treasured, and that someday 'Mr right' will see that too. In the meantime, I choose to be defined by what You say, not by my past experiences or words that have been spoken, but by Your Truth.

"Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" - Luke 12:7

Life is but a breath.

I'm quickly realizing how short life really is.
It's almost been a year that I've been single, last year at this time I thought it would never come, and now its almost here and gone.
I am quickly nearing the end of my second year of school. I thought it would take much longer than it has, or maybe i wished it would.
There are seasons for everything. It's hard for me to understand that, and live that out without feeling loss. I sat at the dorm meeting a few nights ago and it suddenly hit me that I only have a few weeks left with some of these people. Most I will see again in the fall, but theres one I have to say goodbye to forever. He's my bro, and I've only gotten to know him this past year. I hate goodbyes, especially ones that break my heart. Not in an exboyfriend kind of way, but in the way of no one can replace this person, no one will even come close.
Unfortunately this is life, this is what happens. Im the kind of person that likes to hold tightly to all the good things in my life, never seeing any reason to have to leave them behind. But I know that there are even greater things that lay ahead.
Every ending is the beginning of something new.
I don't fear this school year ending, or the summer ending, or my time at PLBC ending. I will miss it when the time for each comes, but I know that I am on an incredible journey that is going to allow me to cross paths with amazing people and have once in a life time oppurtunities.
Lord help me to make the most of them, and I thank you for the people that you have placed in my life. I am truly blessed beyond measure, and for that I can't thank you enough.

I want to believe.

Ever since I can remeber I've had a dream, a deep desire to do 1 thing with my life. I gave up on that dream years ago, and threw it aside as a childish whim. But it won't leave. Deep down inside under everything I've buried it under, it's still there calling out to me. People ask me what My dreams are and I usually answer with "I don't even know" but thats a lie. I have a dream, its huge, and it's unattainable in my own efforts, it could even be labelled impossible. But i'm to scared to tell anyone. I can count the number of people on my hands that actually know what it is. It's not that someone told me I can't do it, or that I dont have what it takes. It's me, I've told myself that it will never happen, or more likely I've believed a lie that satan has planted in my mind.
I've come to realize lately that everyone believes in me, everyone except me.
I ask myself why I don't belive myself, and I am at a loss for words. What is it that holds me back from pursuing what I truly believe God has placed on my heart? What is it that keeps me from sharing my dreams? The only reason I have is fear. Fear of man, fear of failing, fear of it being a childish whim, fear of it not coming to pass, it all boils down to fear.
I can't live by fear any longer.
Satan I rebuke and cut off the lies that you have spoken to me regarding my future and what I am capable or incapable of. For God has placed a calling on my life and there is nothing that is going to stop me from going after it, especially not you.
Lord prepare my heart, take this dream, and teach me to believe in myself.

Faith

Faith. Something I thought I knew a lot about. Something I thought I had a good grasp on. Something I thought I had a lot of, boy was I wrong.
In the last few weeks everything I have put my trust and faith in has been stripped away and amounted to nothing, especially in the area of finances.
Paying for school thus far has been pretty easy because I worked for a year after school and earned enough to pay it off myself. This semester is different. I have no money. Knowing this was coming I banked on a good return on my income tax, only to find out it will only cover a fraction of it, which I am thankful for, but again realized that I was trusting in something other than Jesus Christ. How quickly I misplace my trust.
On a different note, I got a job! I am so excited to work, yet there is this knowing in my spirit that even though I earn money this way it is not my ultimate source of provision.
There are no other options, there is no one to bail me out, there is only Jesus and His promise to provide. Thankfully thats all I need, it's enough. This is faith; being brought to a place where you have no other choice but to believe and live your life trusting and knowing that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He'll do.
It's hard and not really fun at all, atleast not at the moment!
I'm on a faith journey, one that has taught me a lot in short amount of time, and stretched my faith farther then it's ever been. It's a good place, it's scary and sometimes uncertain. But I believe that God works powerfully in hearts that are layed bare before Him, and surrendered to what He is doing.
Lord keep me on my knees, because I know it is there that I will meet you face to face.

sunshine

It's on days like these that I'm reminded that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to.

and that's a good thing.

Be still my soul, be still.

Is it truly possible to surrender and to let go of the things I seem to be holding onto so tightly?!

Do I really believe that God can work things out if I let him take control?

If I know God only has good for me, then why can't I rest?

Either my flesh needs to experience some serious death! or these are infact Godly desires and He will work them out in His timing, which I need to learn to rest in.

Lord please teach me to be still.

Less is more

This picture describes my current state of mind perfectly.

I thought my life was going one way and the next thing I know, it's done a loop and is now headed somewhere else. Destination Unknown.

Where's my trust?

Where's my hope?

I only know 1 thing for certain: God is Faithful.

This 1 truth is what's holding me together.