Can I lose my need to impress?

When people look at me, I think they see someone who is strong, put together, content, wise, and selfless. Maybe thats a bad assumption but I don't think it's too far off. Unfortunately, I don't always feel like I am those things. At the end of the day as I lay in bed, it's just God,me and my thoughts. I usually end up recounting the day and every moment that I fell short, which is often.
I'm a control freak. - I gossip
I'm selfish - I'm lazy
I lack self control - I'm insecure
I'm so broken - My prayer life sucks
I'm scarred - I'm weak
...the list goes on.
Today in chapel the speaker talked about how God wants our humanity, He longs for us to come to him in our weakness. This is something I have always known but have never let sink into my heart. After some self examination I quickly realized that I keep myself from God, places where I feel like I lack, I try and struggle through on my own. Areas in my life that are victorious I easily surrender and allow God to have His way in.
Why?!
God wants my scarred and broken heart, He wants my lack of self control, He wants my control freak side. He longs for me, AS I AM. He doesn't long for who I think I should be, or who I think He wants me to be. HE WANTS ME, right here, right now.
How absolutely unreal is that?!
My heart and mind really can't grasp it - thankfully the Lord is ready and waiting to help me get it.

Lord create in me a new heart, one that desires You above ALL ELSE, one that seeks you above/before ALL ELSE, and one that lives and breathes for You alone.
May you find the faithfulness that You desire in my innermost recesses.

Still a little bit of your song in my ear.

Never in my life have I ever wanted to write out my feelings and thoughts into words and melodies as I do right now. Unfortunately, words always fail me at times like these, and I can never quite get it right.

Jesus, I need Your help.

I'd say anything, but not goodbye.

When do I get to the point in my life where the people around me will be there forever, and not just for a season? Here, I have friends that I literally can't imagine life without. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes...and I still have atleast 2 years left with them. After that, I might not see them again, sure we may facebook, but thats just not the same.
I've come to the conclusion that my heart can't handle seasonal friendships. But I can't live by my heart, so I will pour my life into these amazing people and let them pour into me, and hope against all hope that they will be here forever.

There is freedom in surrender.

This week has been tough, and I've learned a hard lesson in surrender. I'd love to tell you that I am quick to surrender when the Lord calls me to do so, but that would be a lie. In fact, recently I've fought it hard, only to realize that it all amounts to nothing and eventually brings me to a place where my only option is to let go. I was constantly being asked "what are you going to do?" and finally I listened and God gave me clear direction. It didn't sound much like surrender but when I decided to obey I knew that it was. I was surprised, because in that moment I experienced true surrender. I quickly realized how much I had gained instead of lost. Here I was holding this "thing" so tightly, not wanting to let go because I felt like it would be lost forever, and just the thought of it made my heart ache. But when I released my grip, God took it from my hands and held it in His. He cares more about it than I do, and thankfully He knows how to deal with it much better than I do. I haven't lost it, it's just in better hands. Even better though is that I gained fresh perspective, peace and comfort.
For those of you who are at a point of needing to surrender something in your lives, just do it. Satan would love for you to believe that the loss will far outweigh the gain but he, as always, is wrong. A surrendered life is one in which God can move,work and unfold His incredible plans.
There is no other way we can truly live.

Lay back against You and breathe.

Over the past few months a lot of hopes and dreams have been birthed in my heart. Some that I can share and others I can't, atleast not yet. As another school year starts I am reminded of the fact that I have no clue what it will hold. Sure I can make plans and hope and wish for things but because Gods ways are so much higher than mine, His plans also exceed anything I could drum up for myself. This is where my struggle is. I have all these hopes, dreams, & wishes, yet I have no control over some of the ones I desire the most. So what am I supposed to do?

This summer God stretched me into a deeper level of trust in Him. At an interdenominational worship service that I attended God spoke to me and told me to get up infront of everyone and talk about unity. I tried to rehearse what I was going to say but it was all jumbled so I said "God I am getting up there so you gotta fill my mouth!" and I went without doubting. I walked by faith in that moment. I don't remember a time in my life that I had that strong of faith and trust in God to just step out and go. It was unreal. God challenged me to begin to live my entire life in that way. Total trust, total dependency, total faith in the God who has called me. The God who knows the deepest desires of my heart, ones I have yet to discover. The God who knows me for me, and yet loves me fully. The God who calls me by name, who created my inner most being and created a plan for my life. The God whose never failed me. I can trust Him fully. I can lay before him all I desire and dream and know that in His (perfect) timing and His (perfect) plan they will unfold for my good and more importantly His glory.

Lord I come before you with open hands holding the dreams, wishes, and plans that I desire. Sift them and remove any that don't line up with Your plan for my life. For those that do, may they grow bigger and stronger and burst forth when the time is right. I give you my worries, anxiousness and impatience, take them and replace them with Your peace. "Lord, I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel your heartbeat" amen.