2012 Summary

The highlights of my year can be summed up in pictures:

Dating & Getting Engaged to the man of my dreams

I traveled to many places my fav being Hawaii!

Graduating with my pals!

Spending time with my Niece

Growing closer to my family and seeing God work wonders in their lives.

I am thankful for everything that God did in my life over 2012 and the amazing blessings that he gave me. There was however a lot of mistakes that I made this year all of which I refuse to carry in to 2013.

1. People Pleasing -  I let people's opinions hold me back from being who I am called to be.
2. Peace-lessness - The majority of this year was spent full of anxiety, stress and no rest. I refuse to spend another year in that draining state.
3. Apathy - I need to invest in the people and places God has placed me
4. Desert dwelling - 2012 was a very dry year spiritually and I began to stop putting the effort in. So thankful the Lord doesn't let us stray to far!
5. Pessimism - The struggles of this year seemed to harden my heart a bit and leave me feeling hopeless and like change would never come. This resulted in become somewhat of a pessimist. Please Lord let me see my circumstances through your eyes!

*Sigh*...feels good to get that off my shoulders!
I am gladly saying goodbye to 2012 and I am full of expectation as I step into 2013! I know that it is a year of trusting God because it's going to be full of unexpected turns & big leaps of faith!
Thank you Lord that you go before us and prepare the way!
I lay this year in your hands - do with it (& me!) as you see fit.

April 22, 2012

After 4 years a huge chapter of my life has come to a close.

 ...here's to the future.

I'm gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..

I am so close to finishing my last paper and it's taking everything within me to push through. Not because I am lazy or because I enjoy procrastinating, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to finish it because that means I'm one step closer to letting go of everything PLBC. 

The closer graduation gets the more my stomach hurts and my chest tightens.

So much has changed over the past 4 years...and so much has changed over the past 1 year. The majority of those changes have been amazing and awesome but I still find it hard to deal with the ones that were supposed to be close to my heart. 

I'm not close to the people I used to be.

Things change, but time heals eventually.....right?

......Here's to letting go

......Here's to moving forward..

To My BC Family.

Over the past 2 years I have had the privilege of living with Don & Gail Sullivan & fam. I didn't know them very well when I first moved in but they quickly became family. From the moment I walked into their house - before I even knew I would be staying there - I had such peace and the feeling of "this is home". They treated me like I was one of their own kids and often let me have large amounts of students over for movies or eggo parties! Sure I paid rent every month, but they often went above and beyond what they needed to. When I was sick they gave me meds, they bought loads of white bread just for me, and they were always present at my recitals.  I moved out this past week and have quickly realized just how extremely blessed I was to have been able to stay there.

To the Sullivans:
-Thank you for giving me a home away from home
-Thank you for all your support in regards to schooling, music and the plans that God has for me.
-Thank you for giving me a job at your shop.
-Thank you for all the white bread you bought me
-Thank you for allowing me to have friends over
-Thank you for putting up with Luke ;)
-Thank you for always looking out for me and for making sure I had what I needed when I was sick
-Thank you for your encouragement, correction and love
-Thank you for going above and beyond what you needed to.
-Thank you for forcing me to learn how to cook (even though i still have a LONG way to go!)
...the list could go on and on!

I love you guys and I am so extremely thankful that God allowed our paths to run parallel for the past 2 years.  I pray that God will continue to bless you and that many more students will find a "home" in your guys' place :)
Miss you already!

Love,
Jess

twelve days.

I'm so close its scary.
It's hard to focus on finishing well when there is seemingly more important things to take care of.
So much change is happening.
I'm learning to express myself and not repress it.
I'm struggling to be okay with having unanswered questions and worries
I miss my family and hate that I'm missing out on my niece growing up.
Stress has become a norm, unfortunately.
I worry that when I graduate all this weight upon my shoulders won't be lifted like I expect it to be
I need a vacation
I need a job
Jesus is the only person who has never failed me, yet I struggle to trust him the most.
I've lost my passion to dream and the childlike faith that comes with it.
I can't wait to leave the Christian bubble.
I fear I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
I feel as if all hell is against me...oh wait it is.

.....all the while you hold my world secure in the palm of your hand.  Thank-you.

32 days.

God, please let me see your church like you do... 

...love them like you do

...believe in them like you do

...care about them like you do

'cause i'm struggling with all of the above.

I am nothing without you..

The past few days leading up to my worship night have been hard. I have a cough, my throat hurts and I have become discouraged.  Doesn't God know I need to sing tomorrow? Doesn't God know I can't fulfill this school requirement unless he intervenes? Doesn't he know that lots of people are going to be there?!

But......

         Do I realize this isn't about me?

         Do I realize how much I've thought I can do this on my own?

         Do I grasp the reality that my very life depends on Christ's desire for me to live?

         Do I understand that my giftings are for his glory alone?

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" - 2 Cor. 12:9

Needless to say I've come to the realization that I am nothing and can do nothing without Christ. There is no way I can get up there tomorrow and sing without him strengthening my voice. There is no way anyone will be impacted without him pouring out upon us. There is no way I can, or want to, do this in my own strength.

I need you more, 

more than the air i breathe, 

more than the song i sing,

 more than my next heart beat, 

I need you more

I know that God is faithful and that he will provide me with everything I need to walk through tomorrow night.  My weakness is great, but his grace, strength, power, wisdom and love are far greater.  

Lord you are all I need, I lay everything I am &everything I lack before you.

Please fill me up with you...so I can pour you out to those around me. 

It's all about you. It's all about you. It's all about you.

Ican'tbelieveitsalmostmarchahh.

I haven't written in over a month and the only reason I can think of is because I've been out living life instead of just writing about it. Life is hectic and as per usual I am finding it hard to balance everything that is important to me. But through the thick forest God has shown me rays of light that are challenging me to the core.

1. Integrity is more important than we can begin to imagine. I don't know about you, but I want God to be able to use me anywhere and at anytime he wants. Obviously he doesn't need my help in order to accomplish his purposes but it is possible for us to disqualify ourselves by participating in senseless acts of disobedience that have lasting negative consequences.
* Be a man or woman of Integrity - don't give yourself a "just this once" opportunity that you will regret! It's hard but God's been teaching me how to count the cost of living a life worthy of my calling - it's worth it!

2. Be yourself, be comfortable in your giftings and never doubt the plans God has for you.
Only 1.5 months till graduation and I have no clue "what I am going to do with my life". My verse for the year is Matt 6:33 "Do not worry" so I am trying my best to walk that out. It's a challenge but at the same time its frees me up to enjoy the last bit of this life chapter. I am learning to take my giftings in stride and allow God to release them in His timing and not my own. His plans are good, solid and trustworthy. Trust him.

Life is exciting, stretching and refreshing. Thank you God for teaching me how to be me and how to rest in your plan.

You were born for such a time as this..

Where to begin! Life is changing fast and it's taking my heart and head so much longer to catch up and begin to really comprehend all that is going on.  My major theme for this year is Risk: expect the unexpected and therefore I shouldn't be surprised that we're only 22 days into 2012 and yet every single moment of it has been unexpected. I am so incredibly blessed to be on the path that God has me on - it's scary, stretching, hard, riveting, exciting and ultimately so worth it.
Recently I've been realizing that it is going to require a ton of faith for me to stay out here in BC. It would be easier for me to go home and live with my parents - it would be easier for me to go to another school and not have to worry about building roots or making long term plans.

But i've never been called to easy, nor do I want to take the easy way out. 

I am staying in BC and though I don't know how it will all work out, I can see that the future is extremely bright and that God's hand is heavy upon it.
I am stepping out in faith, completely unaware of where I am headed, but fully understanding that God's hand is guiding me every inch of the journey. lets.do.this!
What is God asking you to do that you are too scared to do or that you don't feel like you have enough faith for?  Step out and see where he takes you  - i guarantee, you won't regret it.

"It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of Me" -Jesus.

you still get my heart racing...

I can't believe how fast this year is already flying by! The past 8 days have contained more love, thinking, heartache, family, and joy than some people experience in a lifetime.  I spent the past 3 weeks in Manitoba with my family and it was such an amazing time. It wasn't anything like we expected it to be and if we could we would all go back and change the circumstances -but God knows whats best and we don't. It's unfortunate that it takes death to bring people together, but that seems to be the way that life goes.

Death is tough no matter how close or far you are from the person.
Death puts life into perspective faster than anything else.
Death separates what's important from whats not important
Death makes you think about purpose, eternity and how fragile life is.

As I sat at the funeral for my aunt I couldn't help but think about heaven, healing and my faith.  How does someone recover from the loss of their spouse? How can they possibly go on in any state of normalcy? Without grace, patience, perseverance, love and time they can't.  I am so thankful that God is so patient with his children and that no matter what circumstances come their way he is there to hold, guide, comfort, and strengthen. He is so so good to us, no matter what.

Needless to say this year is going to be nothing like I expect it to be - it already hasn't been.  I welcome this with open arms trusting that God indeed does know what is best for his children.  I haven't set any resolutions because honestly they seem pretty meaningless and I'm tired of trying, in my own strength, to become someone I think I should be.  Instead I have chosen to simply "seek first the kingdom.." - everything else will fall into place.

Heres to 2012 - the best is yet to be.