For You, My God, are greater still.

For about a good month now I have been reflecting upon the last year and making a point of seeking God for the areas that He wants to work on in 2011. This is how I would sum up 2010:

• A  year of challenge, lessons learned the hard way, and a time of really discovering who I am and what my callings are.
• It’s been a season of continually battling through distraction after distraction in order to catch a greater glimpse of who God is. As I look back on my blogs and journal entries I see a constant desire to go deeper and to encounter “the more” of God.
• I’ve learnt how to be honest with myself and others about areas of struggle and insecurity in my life and have been equipped with the tools to deal with pain, conflict and daily life situations in a healthier way.
• I’ve learnt how to be obedient, even when it means going back where I swore I would  never. Included in that is surrender, Daily giving up my will in order to do what God is asking me to.
• I’ve learnt how to truly worship. To be free to express my love for God through dance, and song. Realizing that worship isn’t conditional, its commanded whether I feel like it or not.
• I’ve learnt that no other human being will protect my heart for me so I need to not be passive in guarding it.
• I’ve learnt to speak less, and pray more.
• I’ve learnt that God is faithful, closer than my skin and greater than my mind can comprehend
• Finally, I’ve learnt that God’s plans for me are bigger and crazier than my wildest dreams, and He will bring them to fruition.

Within the last month God has tied up every loose end in my life and given me a clean slate to write upon in the new year. I don’t believe in coincidence, therefore I know that God is up to something huge and I can’t wait till He reveals it to me!

God thank You for every open door you placed before me within the past year. Thank you for taking me across the country and back. Thank you for every person you’ve placed in my life. Thank you for every trial and tribulation, and every bit of hurt and pain that you have brought me through. You are unbelievably incredible and worthy of all praise and adoration. Here is my heart, my soul, my life, do with it what You please.

So here closes another year, another chapter in my life. Sorry 2010, but 2011 is going to blow you out of the water.

Now boldly I approach Your throne.

This afternoon I went through 2 boxes which I refer to as my “Memory boxes”. I have put letters, certificates, notes, pictures, drawings, and anything that was meaningful to me from about 2001-2006. When I was younger I had a calendar every year and in it I would fill it with birthdays and events. As I looked through them, I realized that I had written down significant spiritual moments, such as the first time I felt comfortable closing my eyes in worship. It makes me laugh  now, but at that time it was huge!  As I reread letters I had sent to my high school school board, and journal entries, I was hit hard with how child like, bold, pure and unhindered my faith was. I didn’t hold back what I believed. Each month I assigned 1 person from my class to pray for each day. It’s crazy to see how Gods hand has been upon me since I was young. No one told me to act and do the things I did, it all flowed out of my love for Jesus. Nearly 8 years ago I never thought God would use my past to inspire, challenge and encourage me.  It has really shown me the importance of journaling and recording what God has done,the struggles I have gone through and where God has taken me.  It could be what spurs me on 10 years from now.

2011 presents another chance to change history, to continue to create a legacy, and to believe for the impossible. In 2011, I will embrace child like faith – If God has promised it, I’ll believe for it no matter how crazy you think I am. My God is HUGE and it’s about time I start living like He is.

I believe You will come like the rain

My spirit is stirring and my heart is burning as the new year approaches.  This coming year is going to bring a lot of change in my life. It’s going to take a deeper level of faith and trust in order to walk it out. There is so much going on in my head and heart regarding decisions that I need to make regarding my positioning for the future.

This Christmas break has been really great for me spiritually. It’s allowed me to take a few steps back and really look at what I’ve been through and where I am going. God has used the last week to clear my head, and cast vision for the direction I am headed. It’s been amazing.  As I look back on 2010 I realize that I didn’t take a lot of important things seriously, and I therefore wasted a lot of time. But I don’t have time to mess around this year. I don’t have time to get caught up in things that distract me from my calling. This year is pivotal to the rest of my life – I don’t know if I fully grasp that yet..but I will soon.

As 2010 draws to a close, take some time to reflect, and seek God for what He’s saying over your life. It’s important that we don’t miss a thing.

Lord open the floodgates of heaven, may we receive a greater revelation of who You are and what You are doing.

Soak us with Your presence, saturate us with Your love, flood us with Your truth.

Prepare us for battle.

It’s never too late.

 

About 2 weeks ago someone apologized to me for how they treated me 5 months ago.

A few days later another person who hurt me over 1.5 years ago, made contact with me, which is better than an apology.

Last night another person apologized to me for something they had done to me almost a year ago.

I didn’t need any of these, in fact I had more than moved on from all of the above situations.  But it was nice, and God used it to really seal the work He had done in my heart.

All this goes to show that it’s never ever to late to apologize for something you have done. No matter how big or small, no matter if your still good friends or not, no matter if you have moved on or not. It’s still worth sincerely saying.

When I needed a place to hang my heart, you were there to wear it from the start.

Time for a semester recap.

I came into this semester so pumped and ready for what God was going to do.I came in thinking I would lead..but ended up being led, in a good way. I don’t think I realized how much God was going to do in my heart.

Things I’ve learned:

1. Worship can’t ever be based on feeling. We worship God because of who He is because no matter how crappy we feel, He is and always will be worthy.

2. Confession and repentance are key to walking in freedom. When you fall into sin, no matter how big or small it seems, be quick to tell someone you trust so that it can’t gain a foothold in your life.

3. Life runs smoother when God’s word has been read and meditated on.

4. Pray more, speak less.

My favourite moments:

The past 3.5 months has been filled with challenges, a lot of stretching, incredible opportunities, healing, and many lessons learned the hard way. It’s been tough, stressful, exhausting but also extremely exciting, encouraging and fun. It’s been a great end to a fabulous year.

I’d like to thank my PLBC family, for their encouragement, challenges, inspirations and love. I can’t imagine my life without you.

You know me so well

I have never trusted God more in my life than I currently do in this very moment.

I have never known deeper then right now, exactly how much God really does know the desires of my heart, Even the ones I’ve deemed impossible.

Never stop praying, never stop believing, never stop seeking, because God knows the (Godly) desires of our hearts and honours them in His timing. It may take weeks, months or in my case it took 1.5 years, but God does and always will answer.

I may have deemed that imperfect timing, but now as I look back and then forward I can’t help but laugh, because Gods timing is so unbelievably perfect. 

I’ve got 100 steps to go, tonight I’ll make it 99.

I’m so excited that 2010 is nearly over. There are so many things in 2011 that I want to do differently, so many things I want to start over. A lesson I learned hard this year was that You can’t do the same thing over and over and expect to get a different result.  It just doesn’t work that way. As I’ve been walking through the last sections of my Freedom Session course I’ve been extremely challenged to set a plan and have someone hold me to it.  I talked in an earlier post about having an “independent spirit”. Since that post God has revealed to me over and over how much I have acted in that way.

1. In my daily devotions: many times they don’t happen because I don’t make them a priority. What am I saying to God by that? Well its says that I don’t need to read my Bible and pray because I can do life on my own, but that is false.  In order to live a life of freedom, discipline and ultimately Christlikeness, You need a foundation built on the Word.

2. In my daily life: I’m a dreamer, and I set goals but don’t always meet them. God has called me to certain things, yet I’m not working while I wait. This shows that I lack discipline and would rather be lazy. Strong accountability is required!

Devotions and discipline are the 2 biggest things God wants me to work on. I think that they are foundational to everyone’s lives. If we aren’t rooted in the word, there is no way we are going to stand strong when life’s storms rage around us and if we aren’t disciplined now it will be even harder to be in the future.

If God has called to you be a musician: practice and song write

If God has called you to be a youth pastor: get involved with a youth group

If God has called you to be a electrician: become an apprentice

Don’t wait till you’re older or feel more qualified. Don’t wait till your “big break”. We can walk out our callings daily, no matter where God has you currently planted.  Let God search your heart and reveal to you where he wants to mold you, then create a manageable plan, and ask someone who is older and wiser to hold you accountable.

2011, is going to be unreal.

It can’t be roses all the time.

“I waited patiently for the Lord, He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock, and gave me a firm place to stand” –Ps 40:1,2

There has only been a handful of times in my life, that I can vividly recall feeling like I was in a slimy pit, and was scared I wouldn’t get out. The past week has been one of those times.

A slimy pit of stress, worry, shame, sadness, confusion,exhaustion, and heaviness. It’s been over a year since I’ve cried as hard and as deep as I have in the past few days. It’s been a mess, and hopelessness was knocking hard at my door.

I take times like these extremely serious, because I know that how I deal with them will greatly affect my future. I was faced with 2 choices, give up, or step up.

Giving up seems like a good choice in the moment but I knew that if I stopped fighting the fight that I would be consumed by bitterness, doubt and hurt. Those words don’t line up with who God has created me to be, and they definitely don’t have a place in my future.

So I am choosing to step up, to let God lift me – in His timing – out of the slimy pit. It started with worship. I love to dance, and for the past week it’s been on my heart. So despite how crappy I felt today, I danced. When my feet left the ground a smile crossed my face and I knew that there was no way I was going to let Satan take me out of this race.

No matter how much is going wrong. No matter how much I don’t understand. No matter how burdened I am. No matter how stressed out I am. No matter how many times I’ve failed. I will stand firm, and declare Your goodness and love over every situation I find myself in, even when I have yet to see it. There are some things in life that I don’t need to understand. I just need to trust.

God I know who You are and what You are capable of for you’ve written it upon my heart.

You are the lifter of my head.

Are you feeling burdened?

Are you feeling broken?

Are you consumed with heartache?

Do you feel hopeless?

Do you feel ashamed?

Do you feel weak?

Do you feel like you’ll never get it right?

Do you feel rejected and oppressed?

Are you stressed?

Are you feeling exhausted? Frustrated? Sad? Forgotten? Alone?

I have felt the majority of these emotions within the past week, I feel like God has forced me to my knees and I have no clue how to get up. All I know is that God never drops us to our knees without a purpose.

Let your pain drive you to Jesus. Let it stir in you a desperation to go deeper and search harder. Let it motivate you to learn the needed lesson and do it right next time. Let it open your heart to God’s love, grace, correction and discipline. Let it teach you obedience. Let it slow you down enough to hear God’s voice. 

Don’t let the any of these emotions overcome you to the point of giving up on God. Don’t let it cloud your vision to the point where you no longer desire to see the unseen.

Let God lift your head because where there is pain there is purpose, and where there is purpose there is hope, and where there is hope there is victory.

Somehow You make all that I wasted useful again.

I’m tempted to write my yearly reflection, but I’m thinking it’s still to early. Instead I’ll write about one aspect of it. As I look back on the year, I see something that I wish wasn’t there, and that’s an independent attitude. So many times I find myself thinking and acting as if I can do life without God. As if I have a clue of what is best for me at any given moment. Times when I rushed ahead of Gods plan, only to find out what I was chasing after wasn’t even in the plans. Moments when I thought I knew better. Innumerable accounts of impatience, wrapped in selfish desire.

foolish. so foolish.

I feel like God must laugh at me a lot, and I’m ok with that. I can just imagine him watching me, and chuckling to himself, as I run around in circles trying to figure something out that I was never meant to grasp in the first place!

The most amazing thing about this though, is God’s patience with me. No matter how many times I stray from the path and attempt to create my own way, He always draws me back. He lets me run until I can no longer feel my legs and I helplessly fall to the ground. From there, He picks me up and carries me back to the center of His heart, where He corrects and disciplines me once again. Then he dusts me off and, while pointing straight ahead, says “This is the way, let’s go.”

He does the same thing for all His children. Wow, what love, grace, and hope we have been given! It’s revelations like these that give me the strength to get up every morning, knowing that no matter what happens, God is present and able to handle it.

Pursue God will everything that is within you. If you fall, let him pick you up and dust you off, then keep going. Don’t let things like impatience, worry and doubt side track you because as long as you are faithfully and obediently walking out the path God has pointed out for you, everything you need will come at the best possible times! So let God use your previous shortcomings to make you more like Him, and live in freedom knowing you don’t have to keep making the same mistakes.

Now go live, love, dream, dance, serve, seek and everything else that God has called you to do! :)

We only know when it’s gone.

This is the last blog I will ever post in November 2010 because tomorrow is December. Why does that matter? It matters because another month has passed and lately I've been thinking A LOT about time.

Time is important because it runs out.

My time as a child has run out…

My time at high school has run out…

My time at PLBC will run out…

My time with certain people will run out…

The last one is the one that scares me the most, not as in I’m afraid they will die, but that they wont be actively involved in my life like they are now.

I feel like humans live their lives as if they have all the time in the world, and I feel like that’s one of the reasons we justify apathy, procrastination and down right laziness.

I think it’s important to consider the amount of time that God has given us in certain areas, obviously we never know fully what His will is and where we will be going. But I do know that I've been given 4 years at bible school, and I am down to 1.5 left.  How does that realization change my priorities and what I spend my time on?

I’ve also been thinking a lot about God’s timing.

Timing is important because it sets the pace of our lives.

Many times I want to jump ahead of God and bring certain desires to fruition. But that never works, because God’s timing is best, and it’s always perfect.

So how do you live in God’s perfect timing, while keeping in mind that time eventually runs out?

The only answer that I’ve come up with is that I need to make the most of everything, and use a serious amount of my  time seeking God’s face, and listening to His heartbeat.

God’s heartbeat is like a metronome,  setting the perfect timing of our lives. Listen to it.

These are some of the things that I have been thinking about, I don’t write them to scare you into doing something with your life or make you worry about whether you’ll wake up tomorrow. I simply want to  challenge you to look at your life and allow God to show you the places where you need to use your time more wisely or invest it more deeply.  It’s different for all of us.

We’ve been given the gift of time so that we can bring God glory through following the dreams & desires He’s placed within us, and living out our God given potential. Anything less isn’t worth spending our time on!

Your love never runs out on me.

I want you to think about the people in your life that annoy you. The ones you can’t stand to be around, the ones who know exactly how to agitate you. The ones you avoid or ignore. The ones who you aren’t really friends with, but they seem to think you are best buds, but you’d rather they just leave you alone.

What if today you received news that they were killed in a car accident? Or they were so severely injured that it’s a miracle their heart is still pumping?

How does that change your perspective of them? The next time you saw them would you start a conversation instead of turning around to avoid them?

If no one is beyond the love of Christ, why do we treat them as if they are? Why does it take a tragedy to really make us reconsider what is important in life and who is important?  Life isn’t guaranteed. The people you rub shoulders with daily or talk to weekly-today could be the last time.

These kinds of questions have been running through my mind non-stop the past 12 hours. How would I treat people differently If I knew that today was the last time I’d see them? I’ve come to realize that I take life for granted. For some reason I think that I have all the time in the world to impact peoples lives, to say hi to them, to show them the love of Christ. But that's not always the case.

Today and everyday I want to make the most of every conversation, especially with those who I’ve avoided in the past. I’m not going to run myself ragged trying to talk to every single person I see, but if God opens a door of opportunity I’m going to take it, and make the most of it, because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

Be Thou my Vision

This morning as I read through a few chapters of Matthew, I was once again inspired by Jesus promises.  Here are a few that God challenged me to believe  with all my heart, and know without a shadow of a doubt that they will be fulfilled in my life.

“But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” – Matt 6:33

“Ask, and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives and, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” –Matt 7:7,8

What or who am I seeking? What kinds of things am I asking for? What doors am I knocking at? 

1.Seek God, not for what He can do for you, but for who He is.

2.Ask for the impossible.

and

3.Knock without ceasing. Don’t stop until you have received what God has promised you.

1.Seek God.

Every decision we make, every motive, and every word we say should be wrapped in God.  Everything we do, should flow out of a heart that is continually seeking Him.

Lord, remind us of this daily.

Walking on Water.

This past week has been one of being incredibly challenged. God’s been revealing myself to me. Certain thought patterns that I have put myself through and continue to, somehow hoping to get a different outcome, but of course it never happens. God began talking to me about this as I walked to church on Sunday and It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The cycle needs to be broken.

The cycle of needing to be in control, of thinking that God needs my help to figure certain things out. A pattern of impatience that gives up hope before hopes been given a chance. A struggle of frustration, because what I wanted to happen isn’t happening in the way I want it to. Essentially I needed me broken, my own will. If I don’t break out of the cycle I’ll stay in the same spot forever.

But this time it has to be different, because God is doing a new thing, and the patterns of the past no longer cut it, not that they ever did anyways.

This semester I am in Freedom Session and I have been made aware of how I deal with pain, and how I have trained myself to be guarded and to protect myself, even in areas and at times where its not needed. This is what the cycles in my life are. They have been created out of my past hurts, and situations where I believed that I didn’t measure up and therefore I had to change or become better.

But God is for me, and He calls me his beloved daughter, therefore I don’t have to change for anyone but Him, I don’t have to please anyone but Him. I don’t have to live for anyone but Him. I can be whole, and complete in Him, because when that happens then everything else falls into place.

I don’t have to worry about what the future holds, or who is going to be involved in it. God works out those things on my behalf as I seek him first and foremost. He doesn’t need my help, He can do a better job of my life when I get out of the way and let him do what he does best! God is moving and I chose to move with him. Theres no time to waste in my old cycles of life.

Here’s the thing Satan, you lied to me, and I believed it. But Jesus has exposed it and therefore it no longer has a hold on my life. The cycle is broken in Jesus name and there’s nothing you can do about it. SUCKA!

I am changed because of Your love for me.

Beautiful exchange.

Here are my passions.

Here are my desires.

Here are my dreams.

Here are my goals.

Lord here is my heart.

I lay them all down before You and ask that as I walk out the life you have called me to,  that you would form them until they are completely aligned with YOUR heart. amen.

Rock what you got.

I have never been one who cares to keep up with the latest trends. In fact I usually wait till they are out of season to purchase them because they are far cheaper. I care about how I look and dress but not to the point of making society or anyone else happy. When I was in grade 7-9 I went through an anti-comformity stage. I wore skirts over jeans, pants with “apple” patches (which I absolutely loved at the time) and I didn’t care much about make up. In my younger years I was definitely a tom boy. I didn’t start wearing dresses till grad and I definitely didn’t start wearing heels regularly till my first year in college. I’m the kind of girl that wears summery flower dresses in fall, in which apparently your supposed to wear scarves, sweaters and boots. I’m the kind of girl that gets the freebie phones that are so technologically behind that it can’t even update my Facebook status. I have an IPod that isn’t a touch and it no longer exists in stores.

Every time I go shopping I feel the pressure to buy certain articles of clothing in order to fit in with everyone else around me. There is nothing wrong with how the people around me dress, in fact I think they are all quite stylish. But there was one time this summer where I set out to buy a certain article of clothing but every time I tried it on, I felt a part of myself dying. I didn’t feel like me in them. I knew that the only reason I would be buying them was to make certain people notice and then perhaps they would like me more. But that’s not me.

I like sneakers more than flats. I like flared jeans more than skinny jeans. I like jackets  more than pea coats. I like sweaters more than cardigans.

There is nothing wrong with these things, in fact I just bought a pair of skinny jeans that I really like.  I’ll never be the “trendy girl”, at least not in the eyes of society, but I am really quite fine with that. I’d rather wear the clothes I like and be confident then always wear the latest fashions and my self esteem be a mess. 

Never dress  to impress, be confident in who you are and what you are comfortable wearing and if that’s the latest trends then rock them and if its not then rock that too.

Bottom line: Be yourself, whatever that looks like!

My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive!

Tonight I joined over 11,000 young people in praising God, all of us under one roof! It was absolutely phenomenal. Nothing moves me quite like the sight of over 22,000 arms in the air and everyone singing at the top of their lungs – all for one purpose, to bring Jesus Christ glory!

Tonight God spoke to me, and I want to write it down and allow it to be solidified in my heart. It will serve as a reminder in the hard times as to what God has spoken to me.

1. God is 100% for me, therefore nothing can stop or stand against me.

2. God’s plan for my life has to do with the passions that are burning inside of my heart. As I begin to walk out these passions in the way described in Col 3:17, God will continue to shape and mold them to line up directly with what He has planned.

3. I can pray and intercede and have total faith that God is both hearing and answering my prayers. I have no doubt that as David Crowder sang “How He Loves” and I interceded for those I love to experience the Love of God…that at that moment, no matter where they were they indeed felt Gods love.

4. Dreaming HUGE is exactly what God is asking me to do. There’s no doubt in my mind, and I no longer feel like an “out there” dreamer, but instead that my huge dreams are in hugely capable hands! Not only do I believe my huge dreams will come true, but I believe that they will be fulfilled in an ever huger way than I could have possibly imagined to dream for myself. My God isn’t small, nor are the plans and dreams He has for His Children.

5. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

amen.

“I will not doubt in the dark what God has shown me in the light”

I’m off and running…

You're valuable, and you don’t even know it.

My heart aches so bad right now. Its so broken and hurting especially for those who I hold dear. I can’t look at certain peoples pictures because they bring me to tears. I know this girl, she’s so beautiful, talented and amazing but she has no clue of her worth. She doesn’t know how incredibly loved she is, and that that love has nothing to do with sex. She doesn’t know how valuable she is and that God sees her as worth dying for. There are a lot of people in my life that have such great potential but they are settling for lives that are way less that God has for them. It’s sad. The hard thing for me is that the only thing I can do other than make the most of every conversation is to pray for them. This is a point of discouragement in my life. I don’t know how to pray for these people, I love them so incredibly much but words fail me. I think a lot of it stems from being far away from them and never seeing the situations get any better. I’ve lost motivation, which is downright terrible.

God renew my passion for my loved ones. Teach me how to intercede for them in a way that isn’t infiltrated with doubt. Cause my faith to arise, and my trust in Your promises to be unrelenting. Let Your all consuming passion overtake me until I pray without ceasing and without thinking about it. Let it be an overflow of my heart.

I love you.

Liberty.

I have been blogging twice as much as usual because God has been speaking to me so much as of late. Today we had all worship chapel, and we did a song called Deliverer. I have listened to this song numerous times but today it hit my heart in a new and powerful way. The bridge goes like this: ``And Your blood is enough to break every chain`` The team sang that over and over and as I sang it God pierced my mind and revealed to me that He is strong enough to break every chain that is holding me back. The chains that hold my mind captive. The chains that keep me bound by thought patterns. The chains that keep my heart from trusting. The chains that keep me from standing up for what I believe in. The chains of confusion, doubt, regret, shame, and worry. They are all broken IN JESUS NAME.

The devil almost had me believing that i`d struggle with these forever. Now he has to bow because I know God`s truth and it`s hit my heart with such intensity that every rusty chain satan had bound around me is demolished, leaving me free and him defeated once again. haha!

``He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men`` – Psalms 107:14,15

Stir it up in my heart.

 

When I talk about my passion and love for Christ, I look for eyes that light up and people who come alive. I’m not pushing for understanding, just looking for a pulse

Out of the ashes we rise.

All my life I have suffered with a disease known as “people pleasing”. I based my decisions on what would make those around me happy, and usually giving up my own happiness in the process. I let their thoughts override my own and I lived to meet their expectations instead of God’s alone. I compromised on so many convictions just to keep those around me happy. Why?!. Why didn’t I have a spine?! Why didn’t I fear the Lord instead of man? Why today do I still struggle with this? Why do I fear what people will say? Why do I fear their judgments? Why can’t I stand up for what I believe in amongst fellow believers? why?.

I am a nice person, I forgive easily, I have a soft heart, I care deeply about the people in my life, I don’t want to hurt anyone ,and I want those around me to be happy. These are all great desires and characteristics but there was a time in my life when I thought these were negative. As God began to reveal this to me He also began to show me that these qualities are straight from His heart. The problem was that people had been abusing, taking advantage of and using them for their own selfish gain.

I can’t waste another moment of my life worrying about what others think, or expect of me. God is my judge, and only his expectations are the ones that need to be met. Don’t get me wrong, I am open to correction and If my sister or brother in Christ sees me living outside of Gods plan I would want them to confront me, but don’t confront me about how I didn’t meet your unsaid expectations. That’s not my problem or fault.

I realize this can come across kind of harsh, but I’ve spent too much of my short life living for others and carrying around worry and fear that I’m not meant to. Today is a new day, and I chose to live it for God alone. The fear of not meeting peoples expectations keeps my heart bound, but God’s truth sets it free.

In His freedom I will live.

I don’t need a sign, I just need to begin.

I’ve changed. My heart, character, and everything that’s included in that has changed, or been altered. Perhaps it’s because I’ve surrounded myself with people who challenge me, or maybe because I’m reading books that are explaining the scriptures in ways that blow my mind and demand my life to come into alignment with Christ’s or perhaps it’s simply because I am open and willing for the Lord to teach me and deal with me as He pleases. A mix of all the above and more I’m sure.

This semester I am taking a course called Freedom Session that deals with pain, unforgiveness, abuse and many other issues that have happened in people’s lives. I came into the course willing to be open and honest with myself about whatever came up. What I didn’t know was how honest I was going to have to be, and how much I was going to have to deal with. We are only on session 14 and I have already learnt so many new things about my life, both past and present. This past Wednesday night was a point of complete joy in my life. We had a special class to break unholy soul ties between ourselves and others with whom we had either had sexual relations, been abused by or even fantasized about. As I read aloud the prayers to God, I was overjoyed at the realization that the healing that He did in my life almost 2 years ago was real and completely solidified in my heart and spirit. Sometimes I’ve worried that my lack of recall of that relationship has been due to repressed memories but thankfully it has been the pure healing touch of my Saviour, and it’s good!. I can continue to walk into my destiny pure and whole before a holy God.

Something I didn’t expect to come out of that class with was an (even more so) heightened standard for purity, not just in relationships, but in my heart, mind, soul and body. Sex is sacred as is the rest that goes along with it. It’s not ok to watch it on TV/movies, to listen to it degraded in music or to talk about it in a way that distorts or dishonours it. It’s an incredible gift, to be shared between a husband and a wife like a treasured secret. I refuse to let the world tell me that it’s cheap, meaningless or meant to be tried out with many different partners. I won’t let them rob me of the beauty of being able to present myself pure to my future husband.

This week has been one of being challenged on many different levels. I welcome these challenges because they produce in me strong character and deep roots. Lord, I pray that you would continue to mold me into the woman of God that you created me to be. Let me be sensitive to Your spirit and to what You are saying to me. May I never settle for less than Your best for my life

Do I know the way I move him?

I've always known that God loves me, but do I really know how incredibly loved I am?
Do I know the way I move him?

He sees every glance of my eye and it moves his heart.
He sees every time I hurt and is there hurting too
He sees every time I choose the right path and is there walking it with me
He sees every time I cry out to Him and is right there crying out with me.
He sees every wrong thing I do, and is right there picking me up
He sees every time I've sought his face, and he's there revealing himself.
He sees my weakness, and sees how badly I want Him.
He sees every little desire, every bit of passion, every little piece of hunger.
Everytime I look his way He sees it. Every little glance.
Nothing goes unseen from his gaze.

God is not far out there, he is right here right now, wanting to be incredibly intimate with each and every one of us. He sees everything in my life, nothing escapes his eyes. He loves us like we can't believe and he is so close to us. Not only are we moved by God, but his heart is moved everytime we look his way, everytime we talk to him, every time we talk about him.
He is an intimate lover not a disconnected dictator.

Today I encountered God's love in my bedroom, while writing a paper on a totally different topic. Tears of joy stream down my face and laughter springs from my mouth at the realization of how indescribably loved we are, and how God longs to intimately know his children. It's so beautiful.

I pray for this heart to be unbroken.

There is something wrong with the way we date if it comes with the risk of losing each others friendship. I feel like the term "dating" puts so much pressure on 2 people to act a certain way and express emotions and pleasure in ways that aren't supposed to yet be awakened. (Song of Solomon 2:7) What if dating was just continuing to be best friends instead of dragging each other through temptation and other enslaving & scarring habits hoping to make it through? That's not love nor does it show respect for the other person.

I'm not saying its wrong to kiss, or hold hands cause I can't say that I would refrain from either until marriage. But love isn't making out in a car, it's not seeing how far you can go without getting burnt, it's not giving everything to someone in hopes that they will be with you forever.

Love is choosing to put someone before yourself, thinking of their best before your own, its a daily choice. In dating its so easy to give yourself emotionally and physically to someone because our society has taught us that that is what you do, thats just how it works.

But I propose that we date as friends, treating each other with the utmost respect, choosing to wait until marriage to be physical, not giving into temptation and being the same couple in front of people as you are alone. Choosing to live in such a way that even if it doesn't work out you can still be friends.

I'm sure it's not as easy as it sounds but I think its possible.

This is what I've been challenged with today and I haven't fully thought it all out but I think it's worth taking the time to contemplate.

True things.

This year I am thankful for: (in no particular order)

1. Health
2. The deep friendships that God has blessed me with
3. My amazing and incredible Mom & Dad
4. My sweet siblings.
5. Healing
6.Every oppurtunity I've recieved to use my gifts and talents to bring God glory.
7. All my needs being met
8. Being able to pay rent every month
9. Being able to learn
10. Every moment that has brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye.
11. Every moment that I've felt the presence of God, and been changed because of it.
12. PLBC
13. The people back home who keep me in their prayers
14. Everyone who has supported me financially
15. Being able to dream big and know that through God anything is possible!
16. The oppurtunities i've recieved to encourage others & support them in using their giftings
17. My teachers
18.Skype, because it lets me see people I miss!
19. The Sullivans, for giving me a place to live.
20. Icecream.

Thank you Lord for every person you've placed in my life, every situation that has made me laugh, every song thats passed my lips, every moment I have felt loved, and thank you most of all for loving me enough to die for me.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Love, is waiting.

Today I witnessed a couple get engaged, It was a beautiful thing.

It didn't make me sad or jealous, in fact it made me incredibly excited

because I know that one day,

that will be me.

Can I lose my need to impress?

When people look at me, I think they see someone who is strong, put together, content, wise, and selfless. Maybe thats a bad assumption but I don't think it's too far off. Unfortunately, I don't always feel like I am those things. At the end of the day as I lay in bed, it's just God,me and my thoughts. I usually end up recounting the day and every moment that I fell short, which is often.
I'm a control freak. - I gossip
I'm selfish - I'm lazy
I lack self control - I'm insecure
I'm so broken - My prayer life sucks
I'm scarred - I'm weak
...the list goes on.
Today in chapel the speaker talked about how God wants our humanity, He longs for us to come to him in our weakness. This is something I have always known but have never let sink into my heart. After some self examination I quickly realized that I keep myself from God, places where I feel like I lack, I try and struggle through on my own. Areas in my life that are victorious I easily surrender and allow God to have His way in.
Why?!
God wants my scarred and broken heart, He wants my lack of self control, He wants my control freak side. He longs for me, AS I AM. He doesn't long for who I think I should be, or who I think He wants me to be. HE WANTS ME, right here, right now.
How absolutely unreal is that?!
My heart and mind really can't grasp it - thankfully the Lord is ready and waiting to help me get it.

Lord create in me a new heart, one that desires You above ALL ELSE, one that seeks you above/before ALL ELSE, and one that lives and breathes for You alone.
May you find the faithfulness that You desire in my innermost recesses.

Still a little bit of your song in my ear.

Never in my life have I ever wanted to write out my feelings and thoughts into words and melodies as I do right now. Unfortunately, words always fail me at times like these, and I can never quite get it right.

Jesus, I need Your help.

I'd say anything, but not goodbye.

When do I get to the point in my life where the people around me will be there forever, and not just for a season? Here, I have friends that I literally can't imagine life without. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes...and I still have atleast 2 years left with them. After that, I might not see them again, sure we may facebook, but thats just not the same.
I've come to the conclusion that my heart can't handle seasonal friendships. But I can't live by my heart, so I will pour my life into these amazing people and let them pour into me, and hope against all hope that they will be here forever.

There is freedom in surrender.

This week has been tough, and I've learned a hard lesson in surrender. I'd love to tell you that I am quick to surrender when the Lord calls me to do so, but that would be a lie. In fact, recently I've fought it hard, only to realize that it all amounts to nothing and eventually brings me to a place where my only option is to let go. I was constantly being asked "what are you going to do?" and finally I listened and God gave me clear direction. It didn't sound much like surrender but when I decided to obey I knew that it was. I was surprised, because in that moment I experienced true surrender. I quickly realized how much I had gained instead of lost. Here I was holding this "thing" so tightly, not wanting to let go because I felt like it would be lost forever, and just the thought of it made my heart ache. But when I released my grip, God took it from my hands and held it in His. He cares more about it than I do, and thankfully He knows how to deal with it much better than I do. I haven't lost it, it's just in better hands. Even better though is that I gained fresh perspective, peace and comfort.
For those of you who are at a point of needing to surrender something in your lives, just do it. Satan would love for you to believe that the loss will far outweigh the gain but he, as always, is wrong. A surrendered life is one in which God can move,work and unfold His incredible plans.
There is no other way we can truly live.

Lay back against You and breathe.

Over the past few months a lot of hopes and dreams have been birthed in my heart. Some that I can share and others I can't, atleast not yet. As another school year starts I am reminded of the fact that I have no clue what it will hold. Sure I can make plans and hope and wish for things but because Gods ways are so much higher than mine, His plans also exceed anything I could drum up for myself. This is where my struggle is. I have all these hopes, dreams, & wishes, yet I have no control over some of the ones I desire the most. So what am I supposed to do?

This summer God stretched me into a deeper level of trust in Him. At an interdenominational worship service that I attended God spoke to me and told me to get up infront of everyone and talk about unity. I tried to rehearse what I was going to say but it was all jumbled so I said "God I am getting up there so you gotta fill my mouth!" and I went without doubting. I walked by faith in that moment. I don't remember a time in my life that I had that strong of faith and trust in God to just step out and go. It was unreal. God challenged me to begin to live my entire life in that way. Total trust, total dependency, total faith in the God who has called me. The God who knows the deepest desires of my heart, ones I have yet to discover. The God who knows me for me, and yet loves me fully. The God who calls me by name, who created my inner most being and created a plan for my life. The God whose never failed me. I can trust Him fully. I can lay before him all I desire and dream and know that in His (perfect) timing and His (perfect) plan they will unfold for my good and more importantly His glory.

Lord I come before you with open hands holding the dreams, wishes, and plans that I desire. Sift them and remove any that don't line up with Your plan for my life. For those that do, may they grow bigger and stronger and burst forth when the time is right. I give you my worries, anxiousness and impatience, take them and replace them with Your peace. "Lord, I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel your heartbeat" amen.

To remind me of who You are.

Today I had the privledge of holding a 4 day old baby. I don't think i've ever had the chance to experience this before. It left me speechless. David's words came alive in a new way:
"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb". As I gazed down at this beautiful baby boy I was amazed at the intricate details of his 7lb 11oz body. Tiny fingernails, tiny eye lashes, deep blue eyes, little hands and feet. After beholding such a wonder it's hard to imagine how people can say there is no creator, or that a baby isnt a baby until its born. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the fact that these days a baby can be aborted at any time during a pregnancy. But thats a whole different topic.
Today Gods glory and beauty was displayed to me in a whole new way, and it moved me deeply.
Just as God formed that baby boy, He also formed every single one of us. He handpicked our eye color, he carefully formed our ears, arms and legs. He thought of every detail and placed them all in its rightful place. He created us in His image. Let that truth sink into the depths of your heart.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was

made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths

of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me

were written in your book before one of them came to be

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!"

Psalms 139:15-17

Be inspired to inspire.

This summer I've really realized the importance of surrounding myself with people who inspire, challenge and cause me to think outside myself. I thoroughly enjoy conversations that stir my heart, create passion and make me think. It's so easy to get stuck in one way of thinking, acting, reacting, and living.

But don't get stuck in your own thoughts cause there is more to know, more to experience, and more to grow.

The possibilities in life are endless.

Dream as big as you possibly think you can, then dream bigger.

One thing.

Exodus 33:12-23 amazes me.
Lets read it:

" 12 Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people." 14 The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." 15 Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?" 17 And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."

18 Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

19 And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."
21 Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

Verses 12-17 really speak to me as I am again being put into a position of leadership at school. Gods been challenging me to not do it half hearted and just get by, but to step up, step out and take my position seriously. I am really excited for what this school year holds, vision is already being cast and will soon be put into motion. "If your presence isn't with us do not send us up from here" One thing I desire more than anything, God, is to see your glory as Moses did, and to walk in your presence as Jesus did.

Lets be serious.

I've been reading a book lately by Myles Munroe called "Single, Married, Separated & Life after Divorce. It's really given me a new perspective on the true meaning of being "single" (which is the state of being a unique, whole person, and has nothing to do with your relationship status) and it's taught me why relationships should be taken seriously. Not that I didn't know that already, but it's good to have reminders.
Heres an excerpt from Chapter 11.

"You men who are not yet married, please take heed to this revelation. If you are unmarried, be quick to hear and slow to speak. Do not lead women on and play games with their emotions. Make up your mind not to make a move unless you are ready to die for the commitment. In other words, don't join the army until you are prepared to die and never defect (forsake). Before you start chasing, make sure she is someone you can chase until death do you part. Today, a lot of women are out there advertising, but you men must decide "Is she chaseable to the grave"?
Check out everything. Most of all, ask God. Seek His Will."

And women, you do the same.

For both sexes, it is important to know that chasing someone who looks nice is apt to be decieving. What looks nice now may not in ten years, or may not when you see her without makeup or him with a full beard and unwashed after a hard days work. Love someone because of their attitude, character, inner spirit being--all the things that will not change."

I feel like people don't take relationships seriously these days. I live in a town full of teens who go from guy to guy and have children with more than one of them, yet they aren't even together anymore.
But I don't just see the abuse of relationships in the secular world...I see it at Bible school too. Guys chase girls without intending to marry them, and girls lead guys on because they like the attention. We flirt like it makes no difference in the other persons life. But i'm sick of it!
Within the past couple months I've been starting to think of relationships and guy/girl interaction with a new perspective. I've had my head and heart messed with more than Id like to admit and I don't want that to happen anymore, not to me, not to anyone.
Lets start to respect ourselves and the people around us. Don't flirt with someone unless you intend to pursue them, and don't pursue them unless you intend to marry them. 'Cause if you don't intend to marry that girl or guy then you are messing with someone elses husband or wife.
and thats not cool.

Heb 10:24 "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds"
Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves"

Thinking.Searching.Revealing.Healing

"If we feel the need for vindication, then we still need healing."

This is something I've been thinking about this past week. Vindication means:"To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof" I've been accused of being a few things in the past, things that were lies. I want to deny it, but lets be honest, I want vindication, I want those people to know who I really am, and that I'm not who they said I am. But in reality I don't need that, God knows I can go on living in freedom and victory without it. I don't need anyone to tell me who I am, or to affirm me because God already has and that needs to be enough for me.

Lord, teach me to die to myself and to my sinful desires.

Teach me how to let You be enough for me.

amen.

The best is yet to be.

What does it take to be at a place of true peace, trust and contentment.

I want to be independent. I dont want to have to rely on.***wait!..One thing I love about blogging is that when I begin to write out my thoughts God, without fail, speaks to me.*** Lets look back at the statement where I declared my want of independence...it's filled with "I". I don't want this, I don't want that. This distress I feel inside is a matter of lost focus, I've been thinking about myself and my own comfort for too long and have quickly forgotten the promises of God over my life.

My favorite verse is Phil 4:19

"And my God will supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus"

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful" -Heb 10:23

"The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it" - 1 Thess 5:24.

That last verse has a whole new meaning to me right now. God has called me to attend PLBC for 4 years, in a province that isnt exactly a cheap place to live. My wise friend always says "God's vision, Gods provision". And I've always said "God's will, Gods bill". God didnt call me there to leave me hanging dry. He never calls us to something that He doesnt intend to provide for. The problem comes when we think that we have a choice in deciding who the provision can and cannot come from. Father forgive me, because I'm so guilty of this,

When kids want candy they take it from whoever will give it to them, they dont pick and choose.

Lord, restore my child like faith.

The picture above is a perfect example of Jesus, He stands on the tallest mountain, with me on his shoulders and says "Heres the world my beloved child. Heres what I have planned for you. Now run, go and embrace everything I have called you too. Take risks, jump far, and leap high. Don't stop to worry about anything, because I'm going before you and coming up behind you. (Isaiah 52:12). I've got you covered."

In life God isn't concerned with our comfort, but rather our character. God allows situations and tests to cross our path so that we can be made more into his image. When we realize that and know that it infact is truth, it makes the struggles we face seem smaller.

I would like to thank every single person who has ever sown into my life financially, God has used you to provide for the things He is calling me to. Without your support, I wouldn't be where I am today. You have blessed me beyond measure, and I pray that God blesses you back 100 fold. :)

:)

The excitement and anticipation I'm feeling for fall is out of control! I need to chill out! Someone needs to tranquilize me because there is still many weeks before I go back, and I really need to just focus on the mission that God has for me here, for this time in my life.
Lord, teach me balance!

Beautiful Bride, Body of Christ.

For the first time in 2 years I went back to my old church. It was weird to walk through those doors and up the stairs of the place I used to call home. I asked my Pastor if it would be alright if I came and played piano in my spare time, He said yes. I walked into the sanctuary and slowly made my way down the aisle and up to the front. Only a few things are different, everything else seems pretty familiar. As I walked onto the stage I was hit with the realization that if it wasn't for this place, and these people, I wouldn't be who I am today.

These people, who I feel like I barely know anymore, taught me to believe in myself enough to lead a song during worship. Eventually pushing me to lead many more.

They taught me how to worship and to war in the spirit.

They gave me the courage and the oppurtunity to get up on stage and play bass.

They taught me how to function in my spiritual giftings

They laid the foundations of my faith and taught me how to seek God.

Even after being away for so long, I feel like they have taught me my most important lesson yet, how to love unconditionally.

This church is no longer home but I feel blessed and grateful to have grown up in this part of the body, and to be able to spend my summer playing piano, worshipping and songwriting in a place that holds so much of my history.

Your love is a hurricane that I cannot outrun.

It's crazy how fast life can change. One minute your going down one path...the next minute you're offroading to a new path. I am heading home in 2 days, back to the place that I described as a "chasm" in a previous entry. It's happened so fast, in a matter of minutes, one universe to another. The more I think about it the more I dread it but at the same time the more I think about it the more excited I am. Theres things I need to deal with back home; emotions, memories and mostly brokenness. I have a feeling I'm not going to return to this city the same girl, but I think it's going to take till I return to realize why I have to go in the first place.

It's only two months but it feels like it's going to be an eternity, and it feels like i'm going to miss out on everything. But I have to believe that there is a greater purpose and that there is a divine plan. I just have no clue what that is.

Alright Lord, I surrender, I give up "my will" and pick up yours.

I know I won't regret this.

Your presence is life to me.

I've labelled the summer of '09 as the best summer of my life, but I think that that will change after this summer. Although right now it looks like it should be grim, long and stressful because I have yet to get a job but I guess I see it through different eyes; Jesus' eyes. It has been frustrating to not be working but instead of sitting in a dark hole of self pity i've decided to try and make the most of this free time. Before school ended I knew that God wanted to do some amazing things in my life this summer, things that will change how I view myself, others, and my life in general. It feels like a preparation time, for what I am being prepared for I have no clue. All I know is that I want to be ready. So here I am with open hands and an open heart ready to recieve, grow, and be stretched in any way that I can. I began reading a book yesterday by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and after only 174 pages I feel like I have learn't an incredible amount about myself and why I function the way I do, not all of it being healthy! It's not easy for me to own up to my insecurities and its even more difficult to admit that i am in fact insecure. The amazing part is that I dont have to remain that way, I dont have to deal with the same insecurities tomorrow that I have had to today. There is freedom, and in order to get there I have to get to the root of it. The first 9 chapters have caused me to feel more vulnerable then I ever have in my entire life, but instead of putting the book down I pressed on, knowing that the reward will be great. I still have 9 chapters to go, and at the rate I've been going it will be done within the next few days.

God has spoken to me so clearly in the past couple days, calling me closer and drawing me deeper into a more intimate relationship with Him. I truly believe that as I seek first the Kingdom and spend time (truly) getting to know the one I am fashioned by and after that that alone will bring me more security than I could ever find on my own. Lord, You alone are good. :)

I want to see Your glory as Moses did.

I thought I knew what it was like to have my faith tested, but I really have no clue. Where I am now is somewhere where I always hoped I'd never be, but clearly where I need to be in order to learn a valuable lesson. I feel sick when I think about how quickly I forget what God has done for me. I've been in this place of need before, and even though I feel like there is so much more at stake now than then. Thankfully, God sees it as all the same, whether I need $10 bucks or $100, a full-time or part-time job Lastnight it was as if it all hit me at once, leaving me broken and desperate for God to answer. My frustration drove me to cling to Gods promises.
Heres the thing:

Phil 4:19 says "And My God will supply ALL your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus"

2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness"

Matthew 6:25-30 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

1 Thess 5:24 says "The One who calls you is Faithful and He will do it"

What else do I need? More proof of God being faithful to His promises is found in my past. Never once has he let me down, my every need has always been met in full. He may not come through in the way I think my prayers should be answered but it's always the best way, and at exactly the right time.
Lord thank you for your faithfulness. Forgive me for doubting You and thank you in advance for providing every one of my present needs. You are good beyond measure! Amen.

All I know is I find rest in You.

I've been home for a week now, and it's been a week of friends, goodbyes and new beginnings. I feel at home here, even though my family is miles away and some of my closest friends are even farther. God's been teaching me a lot since returning from tour. The first thing Hes been teaching me is to get my priorities straight, seems they get out of place when you spend 5 weeks in a van. Re-prioritizing mainly means looking at where my time is spent. Is what I put the most time into advancing the Kingdom? Or just a mindless filler? It also means looking at what I want to accomplish, where I want to grow and change and aligning that with the way I spend my time. It seems quite easy and logical when I look at it this way but unfortunately some of those mindless fillers have become habits that are hard to break. Thankfully, with God's strength I can overcome them and get back on track!. Only I can change the things in my life that need improvement. If I want to be good at songwriting, I need to spend time writing. If I want to get better at the piano, I need to spend time practicing. No ones going to do it for me, and I have no grounds on which to complain about my lack in these areas, its my choice.
Needless to say, I've had a few hard doses of reality lately, and it's been tough but muchly needed because it causes me to become a better me.
I am excited for this summer, I have no clue what it will all bring but I know it will be incredible and that each day I will become more and more the woman that God has intended me to be :)

21

Tour is officially over and I am back in BC. I never thought id be this excited to see the streets of surrey!
As we drove through the mountains I was quickly reminded of the reasons I love this place, It's sweet to call this place home.
I celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday,and despite spending 10 hours of it in the van it turned out to be spectacular! I am usually an optimist but when it comes to birthdays I seem to have super low expectations because I have been let down time and time again. However, I love to be surprised, I love when people put in time and effort to make something special. Thats why I love my pacific life family. They decked out the van with streamers and a banner, sang to me and pretty much their presence was the cherry on the ice cream! That night I invited a few people to come out with us for dinner, little did I know that our group would grow to about 21 people! It was so much fun, and such a blessing to be surrounded by so many people I love all at once.
I would like to thank everyone who made my birthday incredible, even those who couldn't be there yet left me sweet messages :) I love you all!

Chasm

I'm back in the place I grew up. I've lived here up until the past 2 years, when I went off to school and my parents moved 45 minutes away. That move brought so much freedom, and much needed escape from all the conflict that occured.
I havent been back for more than a few hours since I've been gone, that was until today. My parents moved back and I'm home for about 24 hours. As I drove up to one of the 2 stop lights that this town has I was hit with a wave of unpleasant memories.
So much of my life has been laced into these streets. I can think of a memory on every block, an encounter in every store. Unfortunately, it's always the painful ones that stand out.
I feel nervous, uneasy, and pretty much like im suffocating. Don't get me wrong, its amazing to be with family, its just this town, and the all to present past.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore, this isn't home, not right now anyways.
I leave tomorrow, not really having dealt with any of these emotions. I feel the need to cry, to mourn the loss of friendship and community within the body of Christ here.
Lord touch this town, sweep these streets with your grace and kindness. Teach your children to forgive, and to love one another like You first loved them.

Here I am sinner, broken and in need of You.

We are now halfway through the tour trip even though some days it seems like weve been out here for way longer. We are currently travelling through the state of New York, bound for Boston. We spent the weekend in Toronto ministering at a Filipino Foursquare church. During our time there we stayed with the pastors family and we were quickly introduced to their cultural foods. Being there reminded me a lot of Thailand as they eat a lot of rice and other ethnic things. I have come to find that I’m not a big fan of Filipino foods, crunchy bbq’d minnows really don’t appeal to me. Nevertheless we had a great time. Today we packed up and went to Niagara Falls. The falls are another testimony to the infinite power and greatness of the Creator. We decided to ride the “ Maid of the Mist” boat. At first I wasn’t too stoked, but decided to go to atleast get a poncho! It turned out to be so much fun, mainly because the ponchos were ridiculously huge, and we later realized why. As you get near the falls, you become soaking wet which was definetly not the highlight of the experience. Overall it was incredibly beautiful and I’m thankful that I got the chance to see it with my friends.
The other night for our devotion we spent time encouraging each other. While one person was on the hotseat we all went around and said things that we love, admire, are encouraged, or inspired by in regards to them. It was such a powerful time. It really showed me the importance of encouraging people and how words of affirmation and love transform not only the person who they are directed to but also the ones speaking them. When we were done the mood and attitude of the group was much lighter and more joyful. All too often we focus on the negative traits or habits of people and forget how truly amazing they are. It also made me realize how I really take the people in my life for granted and don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me and how they have affected my life. To those I love, thank you for everything you have sowed into my life, thank you for taking time to teach me, encourage me and raise me up to become who I am today. I appreciate you all so much and am so incredibally blessed to be able to call you friends and family 
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us as we are out here, please continue to pray that everything we do and say will reflect the love of Christ.

Your Love heals the wreckage of our souls.

Today is day 8 on the road. So far we’ve travelled through Montana, Wyoming, and South Dakota. I never knew how beautiful the other side of the Rockies is! We met up with the other team on the weekend and toured through Yellowstone Park with them. On Friday night we also watched them perform their skits. Honestly, we went into it thinking we were a lot better at ours, and overall had some pretty prideful attitudes. By the end of the night we were all completely humbled and put into a place of repentance. Something I realized is that just because we have the same skits and drime doesn’t mean that we have to do it all the same. In fact the way they performed the skits was very different then the way we do, and some of the lines were completely changed. But that was ok and we all came to realize that although we are one team we function in our giftings in unique ways which is just like the body of Christ. We have many denominations and many churches that live out their faith differently then each other. Each of them reaching a unique target audience through different means. The cool thing is that we are all united in the fact that we serve and worship the same God. However a lot of times we put all our focus on the differences instead of the incredible similarity we share
There is a church down the street from our school and I don’t particularly like their style of preaching, worship, or presentation. I’ve given some of the guys a hard time about it but I realized in the past couple days that I have no right to judge them. Just because I haven’t grown up with that style of church doesn’t make it wrong. In fact they are continually seeing people get saved week after week.
We need to get over ourselves, and stop judging other Christians because God intended us to be unique, not mindless robots. We are one body, called to one purpose, serving one God. That’s where our focus should be.
Our shows have been going really great. I got the privilege of leading worship with Kris in Wyoming this past Sunday and it was so incredible to be up there leading the body of Christ! Our message has been received and really taken to heart at all the churches we have stepped foot in. The theme of unity is something that everyone has admitted is much needed in their churches and families. It’s been so great to see how God has spoken to them through it.
Overall the trip so far has been a lesson in dying to self. Sometimes we go days without being able to shower, so I have to resort to washing my hair in a sink. (I’ve found it quite entertaining to seek out obscure places to do my hair and makeup such as computer screens, or the mirrors on overhead projectors!!!) We get stuck in a van for hours and hours and don’t always get a say in what we eat or where we stop along the way. Every day we have to consider the needs and wants of 9 other people instead of just ourselves. It’s tough, but it’s been an amazing process of sanctification, and refocusing. There is a little less than 4 weeks left, which seems like a lifetime at the moment, but I know that it will be 4 weeks of molding, shaping and breaking. Lord have your way!
P.s Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we have faced a lot of attack from the enemy because He knows that if the body of Christ unites it is an unstoppable and incredibly powerful force!

I will live a child in awe of You.

For those of you that don't know, I am spending 6 week of my summer with 8 amazing people traveling across the United States and from the east to west coast of Canada. We are doing worship, skits, and drime. We are bringing the churches a much needed message of unity, and challenging them to allow God to search their hearts to see if they themselves are causing division in the body of Christ.

Something I've come to realize over the years is that you can't preach a message without walking it out in your own life first. Thats exactly what I have been doing, as well as all of us as a team. Team work is hard, especially when the team is full of strong leaders. Everyone has an opinion, a certain way of doing things, and different ways of getting things done. But when you're on a team, ive quickly realized that you have to die to everything that you call your own.

I'm learning what it truly means to die to self daily. It means dropping my attitudes, laying down what I think I have right to, and for the most part simply learning to shut my mouth.

Through our skits we are portraying "The Body Bunch", each team member represents a part of the body and different characteristics. We have a mouth - who is super dominant and likes to do everything herself, ears - who gossips, feet- who feels inferior.

There are more roles but these ones are the ones that hit the church the hardest. Being a leader doesnt mean you take control. It means allowing others to contribute and be a part of the tasks. We need to watch what we say, theres a difference between being "informational" and "gossiping" If you wouldn't say it in front of the person, don't say it at al. If you feel inferior, talk to someone about it, it will only make it worse if you stay quiet. Also, allow God to reveal his truth and love to you regarding who you are and your place in His family. You are incredibly valuable!

This past week has been a whirlwind of practicing and getting everything ready. This past weekend we had our first 3 shows, and our message was recieved really well. For me this week has been one of God revealing in me the things that I say, do, that cause more harm then good, and motives and desires that are selfish. Like any human, its hard to own up to being selfish and having pride but God has clearly revealed areas of my heart that need to be surrendered. It's been an awesome process, and one thats been tough but so rewarding. As a group its been great to talk through our struggles and areas that we all need to work on in order to be able to walk and minister in unity. It's only been a week and we've already come so far.

I am so looking forward to the next 5 weeks. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be even close to who I am now come the end of this trip. The sweet thing is that these lessons and experiences will be ones that I can put into practice for the rest of my life.

Lord I surrender to you. Have your way in me, mold me, shape me, break me into who You created me to be. I pray that You'd go before us to prepare the way, and that as we minister to the body your name would be glorified and the church would become the powerful force that you have always intended us to be.

Keep us in your prayers if you think of it. And lastly, I'd challenge you to allow God to search your heart and to reveal to you areas that you can work on in order bring unity to the body of Christ. :)

Stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

I have a problem with waiting in almost every area of my life. I like to dream about my future and then try to jump ahead. I get glimpses of who God's creating me to be, or what kind of people he wants to bring down my path. This makes me want to skip the inbetween. But deep down I know that its the inbetween that makes the end so incredible.

It's in the inbetween that my character is built, my desires are refined and my faith is made stronger. In reality, If i jumped ahead, I wouldn't be ready for the situations and circumstances I would find myself in, whether good or bad.

Therefore I will wait and try to be as patient as possible. I won't waste this time wishing to be somewhere else, but I'll be sure to become all I can be and learn every lesson possible. Then when the inbetween is over, I'll be ready.