Memoirs of a younger me.

Mar 29, 2004

“"God has laid upon my  heart to start walking around my school each day (Like Jericho) Praying for different things each day. I was readying the notes I took at YC Fusion and i remembered that I stood up and made a commitment that i would be the person to glow in the darkness”

Mar 19, 2005

“Thank you for the doors you’ve opened, I’m grateful and thankful that you would wanna use me as an instrument to bring you glory. I’m glad to be a part of what your doing. I can’t wait to see what the future holds”

Mar 27, 2006

“Everyday I’m amazed again and again by how AMAZING God is. My mind can’t even begin to wrap around how big and great he is! The more I realize that Jesus is all I need, the more freedom I have and the better off I am”

Mar 21, 2007

“God has been teaching me a lot lately about His character. Particularly, that he is ultimately in control. I don’t know what will happen in the next hour or day, but God does and he already has a plan and purpose for it. He’s got my back through everything, even when no one else does.”

Mar 18, 2008

“I got accepted to PLBC today. Let the journey begin…..”

Mar 19, 2009

"Romans 4:18 – Against all hope Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations” “Against all hope, Jessica hoped and so…….(tba)”

March 18, 2010

“I haven’t been fighting, just sitting here and taking it – hoping it will eventually pass. But that’s not who God has called me to be. I’m a fighter, not someone who takes the hits. In this case it’s okay to fight back. Satan you lose.”

March 21, 2011

“Lord I fix my eyes on you, the author & perfector of my faith, the lover of my soul, the healer of my heart and the lifter of my head. My I not lose heart over the momentary troubles, but may I hold relentlessly to your promises”

It’s crazy how much changes within 7 years. Back then I never thought I would be here, with so much behind me. As I look back to 2004, I am blown away by how God has had his hand on me from the beginning.  Deep down I know that I am still that little girl, who was completely and totally captivated by her Saviour. No matter what came my way, I knew my Heavenly Daddy was going to take care of it all. I need to be more like “young jess”; carefree, trusting and uncomplicated in my thinking.

If I could have one wish, it would be that I never lose my childlike faith & trust in my Heavenly Father.

There’s still a chance for you, ‘cause there’s a spark in you.

 

The past few days have been really refreshing. There’s something about being real that brings such incredible freedom & tangible joy.  As I walk through the wreckage of my weakness, God has begun to reveal himself to me and most importantly he’s shown me that life still goes on. I don’t have to stop where I am and wait to be “fixed” in order to continue walking out my calling. In fact in the past week, opportunities have been falling into place with little or no effort from me. It’s seriously blowing my mind! God keeps showing me that he has my life figured out; every single detail and he would prefer me to just get out of the way and let him unfold it in His timing and His way.  What a relief to know I don’t have to figure it out on my own! What is even better is that He doesn’t require that I have it all figured out before I continue walking.

God is so unbelievably amazing. seriously.

This is Me: uncut & unpolished.

All too often the church isn't a safe place to be vulnerable. We judge the world for their sin, meanwhile Christians who are struggling feel the need to keep quiet because they fear that they too will be judged. People are hurting and we are arguing over whether we are Calvinist or Arminian, how we can make our services run flawlessly, or what people should and shouldn't be wearing. None of these are bad, but we shouldn't become so focused on the how-to’s or the method that we forget about reaching out to a lost, broken and dying world...a lot of which can easily be found in the Body of Christ.

I  feel like there is a lot of pressure put on me to be strong, put together, happy and always great. But what about when I'm not? I don't want to feel like I have to suck it up and put a smile on my face. I don’t like it when people are fake, and I often wonder how many times the people I know do that. There's some people I know who I have never seen show even the slightest moment of weakness. Perhaps they are super humans but I tend to think they aren’t. Everyone struggles and the more we come to that realization and let down our walls the more we can care for each other.

When people meet Christians who act as If their lives are never messy, they too feel the need to act that way.To be completely honest and upfront, I currently feel that way. But I'm done carrying the burden of "what if they think less of me?" or "what If they think I'm unattractive?" or "what if I lose out on opportunities?"  Who knew that my biggest resolution would become my greatest struggle. Whatever will be will be, and I'm done bearing this burden.

I just want to be me, no frills, no strings attached, no smoke & mirrors.  ME.

Currently, I feel like a mess. My heart hurts, and is heavier then ever. My eyes are tired from trying to hold back the tears, and my spirit is spent from trying keep myself "together". I've been crushed, broken and used, and no matter how much time passes Satan has a way of continuing to bring it up, telling me things like: "something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want to date you…but would rather lead you on instead" or "you’re so far from your dreams coming true because you don't have your life all figured out" or "people are going to move on and forget about you"  (Oh God, my heart aches.) You don't have to tell me that these are lies because I know that full well, but not everything can be made better through a quick fix.  In fact I have no clue how this will “be fixed”. It’s really out my hands and times.

I'm not always okay, I'm not always strong or put together and I’m done feeling shameful because of it. God doesn't want me in my seeming perfection, he wants me right here, right now, in my raw emotion and brokenness. Life is hard, painful and exhausting and because of that we’re not always alright. The church is full of believers who are in need of authenticity, strength and a shoulder to cry on. My prayer is that our generation can understand the desperate need for the church to cultivate an atmosphere for people to find hope, love, freedom and healing. A place where being vulnerable is welcome, and where confession of sin & pain isn’t looked down upon.

I’ve been a Christian for nearly 22 years, and I still long for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be real. I know that I'll be okay because God is good beyond measure and has me right where he needs me to be. I just never want the people around me to think that they have to put on a face because they have never seen me struggle or feel weak.

I’m a beautiful mess, and I know that in the midst of my weakness & pain God isn’t ashamed to call me his daughter, so neither will I be.

This is me.

2am, who do you love?

 

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” –Jeremiah 17:9

I’ve come to the realization that my heart can’t be trusted. Sometimes I become consumed by where my heart is leading me but I need to learn to discern between what my heart/flesh desires and what God desires for me. Sometimes they are the same, but not always, not this time. 

Not this time Jess.

Changing the world, one small town girl at a time.

My friends have displayed the character of Christ to me in ways that have changed the very fibre of who I am, and who I will be in the future.

Do you know what it’s like to have someone who fully believes in your giftings and would do anything to see you become all you’re meant to be? I DO

Do you know what it’s like to nervously get up in front of a crowd, but receive instant reassurance the moment you see your friends among the sea of faces? I DO

Do you know what it’s like to feel completely unequipped, hopeless, and discouraged, yet have someone who sees the best in you? I DO.

Do you know what it’s like to have friends who have been there through the best, worst, most boring and most exciting parts of your life, and yet they love you just the same? I DO

Do you know what it’s like to make mistakes, fail, embarrass yourself, or hurt someone yet receive unconditional grace, kindness & love in return? I DO.

I thank God for you everyday, and I know that these words can’t do it justice, but I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how pivotal you have been in shaping me for my destiny. I love you guys so much. Thank you for everything you have sown into my life. Thank you for being here every step of the way cheering me on, pushing me forward and encouraging me to become all I am meant to be. I am so blessed beyond measure to know every single one of you. Thank You for showing me how to love, forgive, step out in faith and to really live. Thank you for teaching me how to laugh..loud!   Without you, I’d still be that shy, insecure and quiet girl from first year.

Every single one of you have been an instrument in God’s hands- changing the world one small town girl at a time!

(a few of my favourite moments from the past few days)

There is real life happening beyond that screen.

Today I was reading a Gentlemans Guide to Survival in the 21st Century , which I highly recommend all guys to read by the way, and it really hit me. For the past little while the iPhone obsession has annoyed me, and being a iPhone user myself I too am at fault here.
#3 on the guide says:
“Keep your Blackberry, your Blueberry, or your Chuck Berry in your pocket while in good company.  There is a time and a place for your iPad, iPhone, and iPod.  At the dinner table with family, coffee with friends, or on a date is not that place.  Show some respect.  Make eye contact.  The world won’t stop spinning because you haven’t updated your Facebook status for an hour.”
What a concept! You mean actually pay attention to the people I am talking/ hanging out with instead of spending every minute texting or calling people outside the group?  We are never “here” because though physically we may be one place with a group of people we are always a different place mentally with other people via texting. 
Oh the 21st century and your technology, what have you done to us!
Here’s my challenge: When you’re with friends, whether it be 1 or 10, put your phone away. You won’t always have these people around so cherish the time because your phone will wait. Stop making excuses and be with your friends, fully.
(and for all you reading this I invite you to hold me accountable, because I myself have been guilty of this.)

Standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.

There’s something about sitting in a coffee shop alone that inspires me. Every once in awhile I enjoy being left alone to my thoughts, questions and people watching.  It’s nice to slow down enough to hear, listen and process life. God is so truly amazing, everything He does is for the benefit of those He loves. I find such peace and reassurance in the fact that he will never lead me in the wrong direction, hurt me, or give me more than I can handle.

He really is enough for me.

I’ve never been this content before. I’ve never been so at peace with having no plan. God is good, God is faithful, God is in control.  3 truths that hold me together everyday.

I’m standing on the edge of something huge, and I’m not afraid, only expectant and thoroughly excited.  While I wait, I remain faithful to what God has given me and where He has planted me.  I sit in a place of peace, joy and wholeness.

He really is enough for us.

I dream with open eyes.

I hate telling people that I don’t know what I am doing this summer because I am afraid that they will think less of me for not having my life all sorted out – cause apparently we are supposed to at 21? hm.

Well, this is me telling the world that at this very moment I have 0% of my summer planned and I have 0 open doors past tour.

But what I do have is 100% faith in the God of the impossible.  In His books my summer is 110% planned and there is 0 reasons why I should be worried.

…perfect!