2011 Reflections

Near the end of every December I write up a blog about what I've learn't over the past year. It's something that gives me perspective and that will later be a reminder of another step in the journey that God has me on.

These are the major lessons that 2011 taught me:

1. Change is inevitable - usually painful - but always worth it

2. Sometimes God takes people out of your life to make room for new people

3. I need to hold my dreams, hopes, plans and my very life with open hands and allow God to take and do with them what he pleases.

4. Tomorrow is not guaranteed therefore nothing & no one should be taken for granted

5. I need to not be so serious

6. Spontaneity is a must

7. God's timing is perfect and patience is key.

8. The plans I create for myself are so small compared to the plans God has in mind.

I am so thankful for where God has taken me this year. There has been tears, heartache and loneliness but it's ended in wholeness, joy and a renewed hope & vision. I just stumbled upon a blog I wrote on Jan 3rd of this year in which I listed what 2011 was going to be for me....and it's crazy to look at that and see the process I went through in order for the majority of those desires to come to fruition.

This year has been phenomenal! I never expected to be where I am now, to be close to the people I am, to have the job I have and not to mention all the opportunities I've received. I am so blessed and thankful for the journey that God has me on. No matter how tough it may be at times, I wouldn't change any of it for the world!
Here are some of the highlights:

I see your face in every sunrise....

I snapped this picture, on my 8am flight, as God reminded me of how infinitely vast he is. I've recently been overwhelmed by fears and insecurities that stem from past hurts and disappointments. I've realized that it's so easy to get caught up in a situation and forget about the big picture. All I saw in these moments of struggle was the thick layer of clouds over my head, but God sees this struggle in light of the big picture of who he is calling me to be.  He is the sun, who shines high above the clouds where the skies are clear, blue, peaceful, and calm. He sees all and is always present despite the dark & heavy clouds that seem to block out his light.  This gives me so much peace, comfort and joy.
No matter what we face, God is always present walking with us through every hurt, pain, joy, victory, sorrow, disappointment, win, and struggle.
I am so thankful that God puts me into situations that cause me to dig deep into the areas of my heart that I've kept hidden and locked up. It's tough, messy and sometimes unpleasant but so worth it.
God, please have your way in me as I try my best to let you tear down all my walls. 

Time goes by...

10 days till utter relaxation  

10 days till I can fully breathe again  

10 days till I stop missing my family  

10 days till I am no longer pulled in 100 directions  

10 days till I fly home.

...God help me to finish well.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how I need to hold everything I have been given with open hands. My possessions, my friends, my plans, my hopes, and my dreams. I don't want to hold so tightly to something that it destroys me if the Lord sees it fit to remove it from my life.  Life is often seriously sobering in it's way of dealing with life and death. Today I realized that I need to hold my very life with open hands.

He is God. I am not. 

He knows what's best. I don't.

Theres no way I will ever be able to fathom the mysteries of God and why he allows some to suffer, why he takes some early and others late, and why he has chosen pain as the means to cause us to grow. 

I will never understand God, and the faster I realize that and just trust that he knows what he is doing, the better life will be.

God teach me how to have open hands.... 'cause honestly it scares the heck out of me.

take me back to the day...

Verbal communication is a lost art. 

can't we just talk?

...we found love in a hopeless place.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are put into a situation where you have previously failed miserably in the same way over and over?

I had one of those moments this week, and for once I did it right. 

For once I feel like I finally listened to God's still small voice.

For once I feel empowered and not trampled upon.

For once, I feel free... scared, but free.

I can't stop smiling about it.

You are God, of all else I'm letting go...

This past weekend some friends and I had the privilege of leading worship at a church in Oak Harbor, Washington. It was an amazing time of fellowship, encouragement and building new friendships. While I was there I observed something that hit me in a deep and profound way.  The Pastor is an amazing guy who is not only a full time pastor but also a husband and father.  On the first night, while we were sitting in a multi million dollar house eating way too much food, we were introduced to his 3 children. When they walked in the door, he got up quickly and with great excitement as his children ran into his arms yelling "Daddy! Daddy!". He greeted them like he hadn't seen them in days, but in reality it was only a few hours.  He spent the rest of the night watching over them, playing games and just soaking in every moment he had with them.  That same night, as we prepared for the worship night and tons was going on, his kids arrived and received the same open, welcoming embrace.  He could have so easily told them he was busy, that he would see them later, or even scolded them for their exuberance.  For some reason, and to my own horror, I expected those things to happen and when they didn't, God burst into my heart and said: 

"That's how I act when you come to me, that is how excited I am when we spend time together.  No matter how many times we talk each day, each conversation is fresh, captivating and beautiful"

It nearly brought me to tears. Without even realizing it, I've allowed this "image" of a God who is rigid, patience-less, bored with me, or who has better things to do than spend time with me, invade my heart and replace the truth of who God really is. He is loving, kind, compassionate, he adores his children, loves to spend time with them and would do anything (even give his very life) to give them the best life possible.  

God I pray that this would soak into the deep recesses of my heart. May your true identity and character swallow up all those thoughts, ideas and lies that have crept in. I pray your children would have a greater revelation of who you are, what you are capable of and how much you love them.

Thank you for being such a loving Father.

Let's be honest..

The #1 thing I think about is me. What is best for me? what should I do today? What is going to make me happy? How can I further myself? How can I become better?  I, Me, I, Me, I, Me. 

What about him, her, them?

Recently I've been so focused on what I am doing after school and of course this is important to ponder, pray and seek God about but I'm starting to wonder if I am way off base. I've been questioning my motives for wanting to go to Bethel or IHOP and also for wanting to leave here.

 If I'm honest with myself, the majority of my motives are pretty blurred and selfish. 

I want to position myself in a place where I can gain a name for myself, I want to run with the big wigs of worship leading and the Christian faith, I want to find a guy, and I want to run from the hurts and issues that are here in hopes that they won't find me in america. 

Tonight I hung out with some new friends who are stumbling through their first year of PLBC trying to find the ropes and mostly learning the hard way. They asked me "Who do you see in the first year class, that will be like you and your friends in 4th year? The person who will lead retreats & is given leadership roles?"  I looked them in the eye and said "Every single one of you has the potential to be on SLT,  a retreat worship leader or staff member, it's just a matter of you doing your best and pushing yourself forward in the callings that God has placed on your life" 

We hung out for a while, them asking questions and me trying my best to give them answers, and for once it wasn't about me.  I wasn't trying to impress them with my "vast amount of 4th year knowledge" nor was I in it to benefit myself. My heart ached for them to understand their purpose, the importance of having a godly attitude toward gratis & classes, how their daily choices affect who they are in 4 years, and most importantly how vital it is for them to fix their attention on Christ. 

I've been put in a place of influence, and tonight I really felt the joy, hope and fulfillment of pouring into those God has placed in my life.  They may not have gotten anything out of it, but God sure spoke to me.  I need to stop thinking about how fast I can get out of here and instead focus on giving God my best and using my time to lead, guide and pour my life into the generations coming up behind me. 

Be thou my wisdom.

 

O God be my everything, be my delight.
              Be Jesus, my glory, my soul satisfied.
                                           My Jesus, you satisfy.

I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop.

It's terribly hard to believe that it's nearly November. October has drifted away with days of work/classes and nights of sitting in the library doing homework. It's all become quite monotonous & i'm beginning to dream of days when I can wake up late, and spend hours watching season after season of a TV show.
Next semester promises to be a lot less hectic, but I have a feeling it won't be as chill as I hope it will be.

"When?" is the biggest question that I am currently asking God.

How can so much ride on such a small word?

Time will tell. Time always tells.

...in the confines of these carbon ribs.

"Has it occurred to you how often we talk about our fatigue? I sometimes have the feeling that if I don't tell my friends how tired I am they will doubt I am doing anything worthwhile. Try telling someone that you feel great, that you are at the top of your game, that you've never been better. The chances are that they will suspect that you're putting them on.....that you lack sincerity.

How did we get to a day when stress and fatigue are almost a badge of success?"

-Gordon Macdonald

She needs you now...but you don't seem to have the time

It's seems as of late that God has given me a glimpse of "the real world". This past week my "bible school bubble" was seriously popped! I sat in between 2 men on the skytrain who were verbally abusing and threatening an innocent man for simply "looking at them". Their words were....degrading, scarring.....appalling. The anger they hurled them with was senseless, but in their eyes completely justified. My heart was racing and all I wanted was to be back on my safe, comfortable, and kind bible college campus. How pathetic. I sat there completely mortified, shocked and heart broken at how easily these 2 men ripped this other man, who had done nothing wrong, to pieces. I wanted to scream "can't we just be nice to each other, is that too much to ask?!"

We live in a world that is overrun by evil and sin and where kindness is getting rarer and rarer. Everyone has a story, a hardship, wounds that haven't fully healed and mistakes they wish they hadn't made. No matter how big or small, rich or poor, addicted or sober, black or white, healthy or sick, old or young...every single person has value and was created in the image of Jesus Christ.  We need to love one another, encourage one another, care for one another, take time to get to know one another and we need to be nice to one another. That seems so cheesy and juvenile, but it's so important, especially for those who call themselves a Christian.


This week take time to encourage the people you usually pass over, get to know someone for the sole purpose of getting to know them, and for goodness sake be nice to everyone you meet! It's so rare and you just never know how God will use it! 

How 21kms changed my life.

It's 7:30pm and I am not the same person I was when I got up 13 hours ago, let alone when I began training 12 weeks ago. I signed up for a Marathon that was way over my head. I am not a runner, I barely like to walk very far, but when this request came up in my Facebook events, God gripped my heart and dared me to do it. What started out as a fundraiser for women in Uganda quickly became a test of commitment, endurance and obedience. I can list countless resolutions and endeavours that I've started out strong on and in the end they just fizzled away and were left unachieved. This was my chance to change my own history and at the same time transform the lives of women across the globe. 

I woke up this morning determined to run for those who couldn't run for themselves. Those whom no one was standing up for, those who had been abused, rejected, disrespected, violated and are daily living with the consequences of other people's actions. They have suffered a lifetime, the least I could do was suffer for a day.

The Marathon was gruelling and I wanted to give up so many times, but I just kept putting one foot, slowly, in front of the other and eventually that led to the finish line. 

I finished a 21km marathon - thats huge! But the best part of it was that with each step I broke every lie that the enemy has ever told me like "you can't do this", "you will never achieve what you set your mind too", "you always give up", and "your dreams are too big".  This day will forever remain etched in my mind as the day I believed in myself and through Christ's strength accomplished what, to me, was the impossible.  Nothing is too big for God to accomplish through His children and I am so excited that I am finally understanding that!

What is your dream? What is holding you back from accomplishing the impossible? When is the last time you set your heart on a task that was way beyond you and would take divine intervention to complete? 

Don't let lies hold you back! In the hands & will of your Saviour you are capable of far more than you can imagine. I firmly believe that God has destined each one of us for greatness and its just a matter of us being willing and open to whatever he puts in our paths! 

Before I sign off I want to give a huge shout out to my friend Joryli who was my running partner today. She is such an incredible woman of God who is full of encouragement, strength and such a sweet sweet spirit. She could've finished the marathon way ahead of time but instead she stuck it out with me and saw me through to the end.  She is such an amazing friend and I am so thankful for her!

Heres to many more "impossibles" being conquered.

Wake on up from your slumber, baby, open up your eyes.

It's the first big rainfall of the end of summer/ beginning of fall season and I kind of like it. I mean I don't appreciate arriving at school completely soggy but theres something about the rain that brings calm to the craziness of life. It's as if life slows down and suddenly theres no need to rush around. When the sun is out there are so many things to do and places to go, but when the rain comes we usually just want to stay inside and read a book while curled up in an oversized blanket. The rain gives me time to think, spend quality time with the Lord and thus my spirit and heart are refreshed.

I need to slow down, I need to reassess my priorities, what is truly important in this season of life, and I most definitely need to place God back into the centre of it all.

I need to be less, He needs to be more....this life is not about me - none of this is about me..

This season is different and stretching but at the same time it's not as hard as I thought it would be. This is a good place to be, for now.

It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me.

Upon September's arrival, I quickly realized that a new season was upon me. I've transitioned from season to season many times but something about this one is different. I have been graciously given new responsibilities that come with a lot of unknowns and I am required  to stretch past who I am and step up into a place I've never been.  Deep down, I love this.  Moving forward, taking territory and completing tasks that seem impossible is ingrained in the very fibre of my being. I love walking into a new opportunity totally scared, because it leaves me depending solely upon Christ. But for some reason this season hit me like a ton of bricks and has left me in a pile of panic, anxiety and unrest.

Things are starting to become lighter as I learn to take it day by day, and I am thankful to have friends who speak into my life at the perfect times, reminding me of God's truths.
A few days ago I read an article by Christine Caine and it perfectly describes where I am at and is exactly what I needed to hear. Here is an excerpt from it:

"I have found that each new endeavor and initiative I undertake requires me to stretch further than I ever have before, in order to grow into a place that I have never been before.
Stretching is often painful until it becomes normal and comfortable. It is a process and requires initial levels of extreme discomfort. But I have found if I simply persevere, breathe through the pain, and trust God, that the circumstances I am faced with help me to become who I need to be in order to do what I have been called to do; I invariably come through the other side enlarged and able.Changing the world requires from us more than where we are right now. We have to remember that as we embrace the stretch, we cannot snap. The goal is to increase in increments, take the next step, and get comfortable with that stretch...and then take the next one."

Here we go.

My 4th year motto...

 "As I let go,
 I’m not losing anyone, 

I’m just defining a

 new normal."

There's a fire startin' in my heart....

Lately I've been thinking a lot about beauty and have been questioning the reasons behind socially acceptable ideas of it.  When you turn on the TV you are bombarded by commercials boasting the latest beauty creams, treatments, hair, clothing, and weight loss programs.

The media is constantly telling us that we aren't good enough.

Where in the bible does it say that wrinkles aren't beautiful? 

Who decided that a size 2 waist is more attractive than a size 10?  

Who decided that even though God created us white, we should spend tons of money on skin tanning treatments, or subject ourselves to dangerous amounts of sun for the purpose of being darker?

Who decided that rock hard abs are to be desired over love handles?

Who decided that we should participate in fads and that if we don't we're somehow lesser?

Who decided that the way God made us isn't good enough, and therefore needs to be helped out?

Our bodies are temples and we are required to treat them as such, but i'm to the point where I'm asking these questions and figuring out what is really important in Gods eyes. 

I want to be a part of a generation that grasps the importance of inner beauty and spends more time on that than on keeping up with society's constant demands for perfection.  I want to see the people of my generation set an example to the generations behind us of what it looks like to walk out beauty in a way that brings God glory.  I think it's important to question what society feeds us, because the majority of it is so far off from what God's point of view is.  Bottom line: Be You

Nothing compares to this love, burning in my heart...

Today was a day of victory! I have been training for this marathon for about 5 weeks now, and today I finally cracked 5km! It seemed like I had hit a 4k plateau and today I wasn't giving up until I pushed past it.  When I looked down at my IPhone training app and read 5.12km I threw my hands up in the air and yelled "YES!".  I was again doubting whether I was really cut out for this marathon, and today God used this little victory to reassure me, that I can do all things in His strength. 


It's hard to believe that it's August already and that this summer is flying by so fast. Recently, I've really enjoyed reading the Word. (of course I always enjoy it, it's just been extra revelatory as of late).  I'm at the age where there is so much pressure from so many people to have a plan, be in a relationship, have a certain amount of money, and to be independent and self sufficient. Well, I don't buy it and I don't think any of it is necessary at this point.. Reading the Word and spending time with God has been my hiding place, my distraction free zone, my place of perfect peace, my unlimited supply of strength, my reassurance, and more importantly my source of wholeness. 


It's in Christ that I find my purpose, my identity, and the very essence of my existence. Despite the pending decisions that need to be made, and the countless unknowns, I have never felt more whole than I do at this moment.  There is nothing in this world that can satisfy you and I, like Jesus does. 

"I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Isaiah 41:10

Burn out Bright

Today has been one of those rare days when discouragement threatens to overtake me,  leaving me completely unmotivated and ready to call it quits. I'm a little over 2 weeks into my marathon training and it's still a struggle for me to make it to 4k without being completely exhausted, I can't imagine ever making it to 21k alive.  I feel so far behind everyone else, and so far from ever achieving this great feat.

On another note, I've  been unbelievably restless lately.

 ......This is hard, and I have too much on my mind.

                                                .....but no matter what I'll never give up.

                                                            I promise.

a bit of what I do in BC....

May I never take it for granted...

Every once in a while as I am driving down the road I am suddenly struck with the realization that I live in beautiful British Columbia! Never in my small town dreams did I ever think I would be here, doing what I get to do. God you are good, and have blessed me beyond measure.

       Thank You......so much.

Empty is the canvas...

Yesterday I signed up to do a 21km marathon to raise money for women in Africa who have had their lips, eyes, noses and other body parts severed off because they have aids.  The money goes towards them receiving reconstructive surgery so they no longer have to be ostracized from their communities, along with that they will receive teaching on important life skills.  When I first got the invite I said "yeah right" and clicked No, little did I know that that would rock my world. 

Yesterday I began to think about how much I put myself into a box saying "This is what I am capable of, and this is what I am not capable of". This usually leads to me becoming frustrated because the things I want to do usually fall into the "incapable box".   I began to think "What if I just went for it? What if I jumped without looking down? What if I risked it all? What if I actually believed in myself? What if I believed even more in the power of Christ within me?". In that moment I decided I would pursue the things God has laid on my heart with everything that is within me, not caring what others will or won't think, just keeping my eyes focused on the eyes of the one beckoning me closer. 

I went for a jog later that night, trying to will myself into shape, and the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about the marathon I had turned down, and so began the wrestle.  After dismissing the thousand excuses of why I shouldn't do this, I jumped. I signed up, and today I had my first training session. I have already learn't so much, and what I want to emphasize with this blog tonight is that we should never let life pass us by. I am so used to sitting around waiting for life to happen, when there are crazy, amazing opportunities passing me by. The adventure and life I pray for doesn't always look the way I think it should, but God knows what is best and thats why it is important to listen to the small voice, the pounding of your heart, and the nudges of the Holy Spirit.

I don't want to be someone who sits back waiting for exciting, life changing opportunities to fall into my lap. I want to be someone who realizes that through Christ my capabilities are endless and I can achieve great feats that are far beyond my own strength and  so can you.

"God's new things do not happen within our control, nor is it within our control that we meet the power of God. The power of God always operates at the margins. It is when we run out of our capacity that we run into His. " Tom Marshall

Maybe all I know is in your arms, your eyes.

3 weeks ago I turned 22. As I look back on my life, I know that I never dreamt that I would be here. Here.... spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've realized that the dreams and hopes I have for myself are incredibly small compared to the dreams and plans that God has for me. This journey called life is incredible. Most recently God's been trimming the un-needed, un-helpful and hindering branches in my heart. Theres so many things I have held tightly to because I feared they were the best I could possibly attain. I've been reading a leadership book that deals with the "dark side" of our lives and through it God has shown me how I've lived my life around my insecurities.  On innumerable occasions I have hoped that no one would notice how much I struggle to believe in myself and my giftings, or how I fear that they will, and because of that they will value me less.  I often struggle with feeling mediocre, especially in the area that I'm passionate about: music. I can't play anything exceptionally well, I can barely harmonize, it's hard for me to write songs, and I don't know much about the basic principles.

So what?


What about those statements makes me any less of an amazing person? What about those statements makes me any less of a daughter of the King? What about those statements makes me any less of a world changer? It doesn't change who I am, it just shows that I have room to grow. 


I don't care that I'm not as good at music as so-and so.
I don't care that I'll make mistakes, and not always know the seemingly simple answers.
I don't care that I might not meet so-and-sos standards.

I'm done living like I have to prove who I am. I'm done living like people's opinions & expectations matter. I'm done living my life based on insecurity and fear. I'm done thinking whats before me is as good as it gets.

Just because i'm 22 doesn't mean time is running out. I have so much life to live, so much road to travel, so many people to meet, and so much room to grow into the person, musician, daughter, friend, and leader that God has called me to be.

It's never to late to be free.

 

“..AND RESERVED ARE THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART,

 

ONLY FOR YOU”

Even heroes have the right to dream…

I’d like to remind you that God is completely and unbelievably faithful! This summer I had a number of opportunities for work that varied in task and length. The first was a job at my school working in the library - the pro to this job was that it guaranteed me a job in the fall. The other option was to do an internship at a church. After much debate and prayer I took a risk and jumped into the church internship. I decided to put to death my selfish need for stability once again and leap. So here I am walking down the path that God has for me and once again he has proved that He really does look after all our needs, even the ones we don’t really ask for. I never asked for a job in the fall, I knew it was something that I would like but I never sought it out or really prayed about it and out of nowhere I get a job dropped in my lap, one that is absolutely and completely perfect for me! God knows the ins and outs of your lives, he knows our deepest desires and what we truly desire in life. Even better than that he knows what is best and he is always faithful to reveal that.

God is so faithful in the small things, and I can rest knowing that He is faithful in the big things too!

caught in your infinite embrace..

I feel as though I am on the brink of something new, fresh, and exciting. Tomorrow is June and in one week I turn 22 and begin my summer internship. It’s the start of a new chapter, the chance to go farther, reach higher and dream bigger.  I’m eagerly anticipating what is to come and I feel that now more than ever I am prepared to face the challenges, struggles, failures and successes that are inevitable. This next year of my life is HUGE and going to contain lots of changes and major decisions that will, I'm sure, take wisdom beyond my years to make.  The mystery of it excites every part of me and I am completely open for whatever God wants to do in and through me. It’s not going to look like anything I could dream up for myself, and it will definitely far exceed any of my expectations!

 God is good beyond measure,  more powerful than I can fathom, and the plans He has for his children are wild, GIGANTIC and immeasurably more than we could ever imagine. 

Life is unbelievably exciting when you serve Jesus Christ!

the fight for freedom..

STOP. BELIEVING. THE. LIES.

The lie that you don’t fit in. The lie that your past defines your future. The lie that that’s just the way it is. The lie that this is as good as it gets. The lie that you are fat. The lie that you are worthless. The lie that you will be alone forever. The lie that you aren’t loved. The lie that you are invisible. The lie that you will never achieve anything. The lie that you marriage will end in divorce because your parents did. The lie that you aren’t talented. The lie that your heart will never heal. The lie that your dreams are too big. The lie that every guy is a heartbreaker. The lie that love doesn’t actually exist. The lie that there is no hope. The lie that you aren’t beautiful or handsome. The lie that you aren’t man/woman enough. The lie that you don’t have a purpose. The lie that being you isn’t good enough.

..none of these are true.

Stop living your life and making decisions based on lies.

Reveal your truth Lord – shut the mouths of Satan and his team of liars and set your children free.

Awake my soul and sing..

Today as I went for a jog I began to think about all the clutter in my head- so many unanswered questions, aimless thoughts, wishful scenarios, dreams, and worries. It’s so easy to get caught up, blinded, and paralyzed by all the distractions that are thrown our way. It’s like I’m at a fork in the road, I am both burdened but free, discouraged but encouraged, scared but excited. Today I listened to a sermon about dreaming  and was suddenly made aware of the fact that I haven’t been doing much of it lately. Instead I’ve been weighed down with the “why nots”, “but what ifs” "why not mes” and “whens”. I don’t want to become someone who loses sight of where God is taking them, and forget about where he has already brought them. I don’t want to become someone who crushes the dreams of future generations just because I was impatient and gave up hope. I don’t want to become someone who dreams and never lives it out. I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t persevere.

I will not stop dreaming just because they seem out of reach. I will not stop moving forward just because my past tries to hold me in the same spot. I will not let disappointment keep me from being excited about what is ahead. I will not let rejection keep me from loving even though Satan would enjoy it if i did. I will not be taken out by voices who tell me I can’t do it. I will not let distractions slow me down. I will not let unanswered questions and worries stop me from forging ahead as a forerunner to the next generation. I will not let what has been, keep me from living with expectation for what will be.

I will not let anything hold me back from becoming all that God has me to be.

I will dream as big as my mind can possibly dream, even if it means dreaming alone. I will run when God says run, I will walk when God says walk, I will fight when God says fight, I will speak when God says speak,  and I will wait when God says wait. I will live and die for God, and God alone.

 

Surprise me.

We need time, only time.

Have you ever had a feeling that, for the life of you, you cant get it to release it’s tight grip on your heart?  It’s in these times where I find it hard to discern whether it’s just me and my crazy mind or something more. Being the dreamer that I am, I’d love to believe its something more, but the realistic part of me (which is a much smaller part) tends to lean towards it being a fantasy, something that needs to be put to rest. In the place where I am in life, and with the people God has surrounded me with, I feel free to dream as big as I possibly can, but tonight a question crossed my mind  – do my dreams line up with God’s? and if they don’t am I willing to lay them down? That’s a tough question.

More than anything I want my dreams to line up with that of my Heavenly Father’s.

Lord I pray that you would sift me and remove all dreams, feelings and thoughts that are contrary to the plans you have for me. May I walk in full obedience to what you have placed before me and may I never forget that You know what’s best for me.

The perspective bus.

For those of you who don't know I have been on tour for the past 2 weeks. It has been a time of uncontrollable laughter, strengthened friendships, stretching and many learned lessons.  The days, states and towns have begun to run into each other to create a blur that makes it hard to remember where we were when. One of the biggest lessons I have learned so far is what it really means to make the most of every opportunity. 

We were in East Helena, Montana performing at a youth group that was full of unchurched & at risk teens. They didn't really seem too keen on worship or any of our performance aspects really. This night also happened to be my turn to speak. I talked to the group about the 2 paths that we have in life: ourselves, or Jesus, life or death. We opened up for a time of ministry and within minutes my heart was completely broken. The girls were coming up and asking for prayer for broken families, for protection from their dad, and other major issues. I was quickly reminded of how much of a blessed life I live, and my heart hurt for these girls who knew nothing of the love of a earthly father, let alone a heavenly father. The other team members reported of other prayer requests that broke us even more. The majority of the kids who attend there are bused in from their houses, so a few of us got the privilege of riding the bus back home with them. I sat with this beautiful girl named Amber. She hadn't previously shared her struggles with anyone, but there she sat in my arms a complete mess, pouring out her heart along with all its hurts. It struck me in that moment that I had approximately 15 minutes to sow something into her life. A 15 minute window is nothing compared to the rest of her life, but I knew that I had to make it count somehow. I talked to her about Jesus, encouraged her to continue to attend that church where she would find love and healing and then I just sat and listened as she shared about her plans that night. 

As I watched her walk off the bus, I felt so hopeless and discouraged thinking there was more I could've done, it was after all her eternity on the line.  But as we debriefed after, I was reminded that I am just a seed planter, or perhaps even a garden waterer, but ultimately it is God's job to cause those seeds to grow.

Later that week as I journaled God spoke to me and reminded me that as I held her sobbing body, he was holding her through me. 

We are all instruments in the hands of an Almighty God. Every moment counts, every person we meet is a divine appointment - an open window that we have been given to plant a seed.  It will look different every time, but know that God is behind each one. Time is short, and we can't risk missing the chance to love someone, say hi, smile, or ask how they are doing. 

Every second counts friends and even now as I type this I feel the urgency of this message.

Go: Stand with broken

       Compel people to love 

       Care for the helpless

       Hold the hurting

       Feed the hungry

       See the sad smile

       Offer hope to the hopeless

      Make the most of every opportunity to be the hands, feet and mouth of Jesus in a lost, broken, hurting and dying world. 

I got misty eyes as they said farewell.

Everything about the past week has been stretching for me. From leading at the Grad ceremonies to leading a tour team.  It’s been a week of new experiences, goodbyes and hard work. The semester is over, and now it’s onto tour. Tomorrow morning I fully depart from my comfort zone for 3 weeks…just the thought of it makes my heart jump from both fear and excitement. I’ll be leading worship in unfamiliar places, speaking in front of people I don’t know and continuing to figure out how to be a great leader. After only 3 days of practice, I feel like I have already changed and grown so much, surely 3 weeks will transform me.

I’m scared.             I’m excited                      I’m ready                 

  I’m anxious              I’m freaking out.      

Here we go.

Is Your Allegiance Clear?

As many of you probably know, it’s playoffs season. I’m not a big hockey fan but something I have noticed over the past few days as I have been out and about is how easy it is to tell who the big fans are and exactly who they are cheering on or representing. As I sat in church today and observed those wearing Canucks jerseys it got me thinking: if we can clearly display our hockey team allegiances how much more should we be clearly displaying our allegiance to Christ? There is no question in my mind when I see a Canucks jersey that that person is cheering for the Canucks. I don’t wonder if they are actually an Ottawa or Toronto fan because their allegiance is clear.

As you walk the streets where God has planted you is your allegiance to Him clear? Or do people question which side you are on? In my opinion, if you are a professing Christian there shouldn’t be anything in your life that would make someone think otherwise. That may seem too cut and dry for some people but would a Canucks fan wear a Toronto jersey?! Never. So why as Christians would we want to dress ourselves in an “allegiance” other than that of Jesus Christ?

+ Be bold with your faith friends, and see it as an honour to carry the name of Jesus to a lost and dying world. Wear “Christ” clearly and courageously, not just on Sundays, but every day that you are given breath.

Slow Down Friends..

Things are changing, leaving me with new beginnings and hard to deal with endings. I feel like I've been shoved to the front of the stage and I’m frozen, too afraid to move or speak but knowing I have to. Time is running out and the list of things to do is only slowly getting shorter. I don’t have time to breathe because the next step is right in front of me and beyond that everything is rather hazy. It’s so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget to just stop and wait on God. We live in a society that looks down upon waiting, and promotes instant gratification, but that’s not how God’s Kingdom functions. The faster we realize that the better.  As I look at my life and the lives of my generation I see a serious case of ADD. We have become accustomed to always doing something-  listening to music, tweeting, facebooking, texting, checking email, surfing the net or talking.

It’s become hard for me to focus long enough to pray, read my bible, and listen to the still small voice of my Father.

This is the time in my life where my decisions are especially important and have a huge influence on my future. How do I expect to make the best choice when I’m not even taking time to converse with the planner of my life?   The reality is, if we don’t slow down ourselves, God will do it for us, and it most likely won’t be pretty. Oh God, teach us to fear your name.

Slow down friends,

Don’t let your schedule become so full that you forget what it feels like to hear His voice, connect with His spirit, and feel His arms around you. Spending time in Jesus’ presence is the most important thing you can do today.

I don’t want to be your exception.

The problem with Bible School is that there is this unsaid pressure to be in a relationship with someone, or at least have someone in mind who you want to be with. If you don’t have either you’re put in this box of “poor girl, I hope she finds someone someday”. I am so sick of living in a society where if you don’t have someone pursuing you you’re required to change and make yourself into someone who is “pursue-able”

No way. Not a chance. Not me.

I will not change a thing about myself with the intention of becoming “more attractive”. I will not go out of my way to put myself on the path of someone else in hopes that they will want to be with me. I will not stand in line for any guy and I will definitely not stop walking down the path that God has placed me on, in order to “find the one”.

I am not the girl you pick out of the line up of girls. I am not the girl you can text along with a string of others. I am not the girl who waits in line, hoping to get a chance with you. I do not want to be anyone’s exception, because the man God created for me won’t be able to compare me to anyone else. There won’t be an inner battle over whether he should be with me or so-and-so. I will be the only, most excellent and perfect match for him. In his eyes, no one will even come close to my beauty, passion, heart and character.

To some that may seem conceited, but I’m tired of feeling like I have to settle for someone who views me as just another number in his phone. I will wait as long as it takes, because I will never settle for a guy who sees me as a girl (in his long list of girls) who he will make an exception for.  No thank you, please move along.

I’m not called to comfortable.

Somewhere along the line  I made the unconscious decision to walk through the doors of opportunity that require the most risk, that will cause the most stretching and ultimately will require the most faith and reliability on God.  I can’t remember when I decided this, (or perhaps it has just intensified as of late), but this fearlessness has taken over my heart and I no longer want to do what is safe, comfortable and secure. I’m not talking about being foolish, I’m talking about being in the center of God’s will, no longer fearing being inadequate, but having faith that God has and will continue to equip me to everything He has and will call me to. It’s scary, uncertain, and risky, but at the same time it’s exhilarating, fulfilling and an unbelievably exciting adventure.

I have one life to live, I am not going to waste it on something comfortable. I want to risk it all, I want to jump without seeing what’s at the bottom, I want to swim as far as I can, without fearing what might be lurking in the deep waters.   I want to live, truly live.

Lord, I find life in your mystery.

..right here is where I belong.

Some days I question whether I am really cut out for this. Then I am reminded that If I always felt like I could do this, I would never grow, never need faith and most importantly I would never need to rely on God. What kind of life would that even be?!  I’m stepping out into new territory and it scares the heck out of me.  I often feel way under equipped but that seems to be the best place to find myself. It’s in this place that I refuse to live up to anyone’s standard except God’s alone.  I will not compromise what’s important for what is considered “cool” or “edgy”. That’s never been me, and it never will be. I have so much to learn.

Welcome to Leadership Development 101, Jess.

Memoirs of a younger me.

Mar 29, 2004

“"God has laid upon my  heart to start walking around my school each day (Like Jericho) Praying for different things each day. I was readying the notes I took at YC Fusion and i remembered that I stood up and made a commitment that i would be the person to glow in the darkness”

Mar 19, 2005

“Thank you for the doors you’ve opened, I’m grateful and thankful that you would wanna use me as an instrument to bring you glory. I’m glad to be a part of what your doing. I can’t wait to see what the future holds”

Mar 27, 2006

“Everyday I’m amazed again and again by how AMAZING God is. My mind can’t even begin to wrap around how big and great he is! The more I realize that Jesus is all I need, the more freedom I have and the better off I am”

Mar 21, 2007

“God has been teaching me a lot lately about His character. Particularly, that he is ultimately in control. I don’t know what will happen in the next hour or day, but God does and he already has a plan and purpose for it. He’s got my back through everything, even when no one else does.”

Mar 18, 2008

“I got accepted to PLBC today. Let the journey begin…..”

Mar 19, 2009

"Romans 4:18 – Against all hope Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations” “Against all hope, Jessica hoped and so…….(tba)”

March 18, 2010

“I haven’t been fighting, just sitting here and taking it – hoping it will eventually pass. But that’s not who God has called me to be. I’m a fighter, not someone who takes the hits. In this case it’s okay to fight back. Satan you lose.”

March 21, 2011

“Lord I fix my eyes on you, the author & perfector of my faith, the lover of my soul, the healer of my heart and the lifter of my head. My I not lose heart over the momentary troubles, but may I hold relentlessly to your promises”

It’s crazy how much changes within 7 years. Back then I never thought I would be here, with so much behind me. As I look back to 2004, I am blown away by how God has had his hand on me from the beginning.  Deep down I know that I am still that little girl, who was completely and totally captivated by her Saviour. No matter what came my way, I knew my Heavenly Daddy was going to take care of it all. I need to be more like “young jess”; carefree, trusting and uncomplicated in my thinking.

If I could have one wish, it would be that I never lose my childlike faith & trust in my Heavenly Father.

There’s still a chance for you, ‘cause there’s a spark in you.

 

The past few days have been really refreshing. There’s something about being real that brings such incredible freedom & tangible joy.  As I walk through the wreckage of my weakness, God has begun to reveal himself to me and most importantly he’s shown me that life still goes on. I don’t have to stop where I am and wait to be “fixed” in order to continue walking out my calling. In fact in the past week, opportunities have been falling into place with little or no effort from me. It’s seriously blowing my mind! God keeps showing me that he has my life figured out; every single detail and he would prefer me to just get out of the way and let him unfold it in His timing and His way.  What a relief to know I don’t have to figure it out on my own! What is even better is that He doesn’t require that I have it all figured out before I continue walking.

God is so unbelievably amazing. seriously.

This is Me: uncut & unpolished.

All too often the church isn't a safe place to be vulnerable. We judge the world for their sin, meanwhile Christians who are struggling feel the need to keep quiet because they fear that they too will be judged. People are hurting and we are arguing over whether we are Calvinist or Arminian, how we can make our services run flawlessly, or what people should and shouldn't be wearing. None of these are bad, but we shouldn't become so focused on the how-to’s or the method that we forget about reaching out to a lost, broken and dying world...a lot of which can easily be found in the Body of Christ.

I  feel like there is a lot of pressure put on me to be strong, put together, happy and always great. But what about when I'm not? I don't want to feel like I have to suck it up and put a smile on my face. I don’t like it when people are fake, and I often wonder how many times the people I know do that. There's some people I know who I have never seen show even the slightest moment of weakness. Perhaps they are super humans but I tend to think they aren’t. Everyone struggles and the more we come to that realization and let down our walls the more we can care for each other.

When people meet Christians who act as If their lives are never messy, they too feel the need to act that way.To be completely honest and upfront, I currently feel that way. But I'm done carrying the burden of "what if they think less of me?" or "what If they think I'm unattractive?" or "what if I lose out on opportunities?"  Who knew that my biggest resolution would become my greatest struggle. Whatever will be will be, and I'm done bearing this burden.

I just want to be me, no frills, no strings attached, no smoke & mirrors.  ME.

Currently, I feel like a mess. My heart hurts, and is heavier then ever. My eyes are tired from trying to hold back the tears, and my spirit is spent from trying keep myself "together". I've been crushed, broken and used, and no matter how much time passes Satan has a way of continuing to bring it up, telling me things like: "something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want to date you…but would rather lead you on instead" or "you’re so far from your dreams coming true because you don't have your life all figured out" or "people are going to move on and forget about you"  (Oh God, my heart aches.) You don't have to tell me that these are lies because I know that full well, but not everything can be made better through a quick fix.  In fact I have no clue how this will “be fixed”. It’s really out my hands and times.

I'm not always okay, I'm not always strong or put together and I’m done feeling shameful because of it. God doesn't want me in my seeming perfection, he wants me right here, right now, in my raw emotion and brokenness. Life is hard, painful and exhausting and because of that we’re not always alright. The church is full of believers who are in need of authenticity, strength and a shoulder to cry on. My prayer is that our generation can understand the desperate need for the church to cultivate an atmosphere for people to find hope, love, freedom and healing. A place where being vulnerable is welcome, and where confession of sin & pain isn’t looked down upon.

I’ve been a Christian for nearly 22 years, and I still long for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be real. I know that I'll be okay because God is good beyond measure and has me right where he needs me to be. I just never want the people around me to think that they have to put on a face because they have never seen me struggle or feel weak.

I’m a beautiful mess, and I know that in the midst of my weakness & pain God isn’t ashamed to call me his daughter, so neither will I be.

This is me.