This is Me: uncut & unpolished.

All too often the church isn't a safe place to be vulnerable. We judge the world for their sin, meanwhile Christians who are struggling feel the need to keep quiet because they fear that they too will be judged. People are hurting and we are arguing over whether we are Calvinist or Arminian, how we can make our services run flawlessly, or what people should and shouldn't be wearing. None of these are bad, but we shouldn't become so focused on the how-to’s or the method that we forget about reaching out to a lost, broken and dying world...a lot of which can easily be found in the Body of Christ.

I  feel like there is a lot of pressure put on me to be strong, put together, happy and always great. But what about when I'm not? I don't want to feel like I have to suck it up and put a smile on my face. I don’t like it when people are fake, and I often wonder how many times the people I know do that. There's some people I know who I have never seen show even the slightest moment of weakness. Perhaps they are super humans but I tend to think they aren’t. Everyone struggles and the more we come to that realization and let down our walls the more we can care for each other.

When people meet Christians who act as If their lives are never messy, they too feel the need to act that way.To be completely honest and upfront, I currently feel that way. But I'm done carrying the burden of "what if they think less of me?" or "what If they think I'm unattractive?" or "what if I lose out on opportunities?"  Who knew that my biggest resolution would become my greatest struggle. Whatever will be will be, and I'm done bearing this burden.

I just want to be me, no frills, no strings attached, no smoke & mirrors.  ME.

Currently, I feel like a mess. My heart hurts, and is heavier then ever. My eyes are tired from trying to hold back the tears, and my spirit is spent from trying keep myself "together". I've been crushed, broken and used, and no matter how much time passes Satan has a way of continuing to bring it up, telling me things like: "something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want to date you…but would rather lead you on instead" or "you’re so far from your dreams coming true because you don't have your life all figured out" or "people are going to move on and forget about you"  (Oh God, my heart aches.) You don't have to tell me that these are lies because I know that full well, but not everything can be made better through a quick fix.  In fact I have no clue how this will “be fixed”. It’s really out my hands and times.

I'm not always okay, I'm not always strong or put together and I’m done feeling shameful because of it. God doesn't want me in my seeming perfection, he wants me right here, right now, in my raw emotion and brokenness. Life is hard, painful and exhausting and because of that we’re not always alright. The church is full of believers who are in need of authenticity, strength and a shoulder to cry on. My prayer is that our generation can understand the desperate need for the church to cultivate an atmosphere for people to find hope, love, freedom and healing. A place where being vulnerable is welcome, and where confession of sin & pain isn’t looked down upon.

I’ve been a Christian for nearly 22 years, and I still long for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be real. I know that I'll be okay because God is good beyond measure and has me right where he needs me to be. I just never want the people around me to think that they have to put on a face because they have never seen me struggle or feel weak.

I’m a beautiful mess, and I know that in the midst of my weakness & pain God isn’t ashamed to call me his daughter, so neither will I be.

This is me.