Slow Down Friends..

Things are changing, leaving me with new beginnings and hard to deal with endings. I feel like I've been shoved to the front of the stage and I’m frozen, too afraid to move or speak but knowing I have to. Time is running out and the list of things to do is only slowly getting shorter. I don’t have time to breathe because the next step is right in front of me and beyond that everything is rather hazy. It’s so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget to just stop and wait on God. We live in a society that looks down upon waiting, and promotes instant gratification, but that’s not how God’s Kingdom functions. The faster we realize that the better.  As I look at my life and the lives of my generation I see a serious case of ADD. We have become accustomed to always doing something-  listening to music, tweeting, facebooking, texting, checking email, surfing the net or talking.

It’s become hard for me to focus long enough to pray, read my bible, and listen to the still small voice of my Father.

This is the time in my life where my decisions are especially important and have a huge influence on my future. How do I expect to make the best choice when I’m not even taking time to converse with the planner of my life?   The reality is, if we don’t slow down ourselves, God will do it for us, and it most likely won’t be pretty. Oh God, teach us to fear your name.

Slow down friends,

Don’t let your schedule become so full that you forget what it feels like to hear His voice, connect with His spirit, and feel His arms around you. Spending time in Jesus’ presence is the most important thing you can do today.

I don’t want to be your exception.

The problem with Bible School is that there is this unsaid pressure to be in a relationship with someone, or at least have someone in mind who you want to be with. If you don’t have either you’re put in this box of “poor girl, I hope she finds someone someday”. I am so sick of living in a society where if you don’t have someone pursuing you you’re required to change and make yourself into someone who is “pursue-able”

No way. Not a chance. Not me.

I will not change a thing about myself with the intention of becoming “more attractive”. I will not go out of my way to put myself on the path of someone else in hopes that they will want to be with me. I will not stand in line for any guy and I will definitely not stop walking down the path that God has placed me on, in order to “find the one”.

I am not the girl you pick out of the line up of girls. I am not the girl you can text along with a string of others. I am not the girl who waits in line, hoping to get a chance with you. I do not want to be anyone’s exception, because the man God created for me won’t be able to compare me to anyone else. There won’t be an inner battle over whether he should be with me or so-and-so. I will be the only, most excellent and perfect match for him. In his eyes, no one will even come close to my beauty, passion, heart and character.

To some that may seem conceited, but I’m tired of feeling like I have to settle for someone who views me as just another number in his phone. I will wait as long as it takes, because I will never settle for a guy who sees me as a girl (in his long list of girls) who he will make an exception for.  No thank you, please move along.

I’m not called to comfortable.

Somewhere along the line  I made the unconscious decision to walk through the doors of opportunity that require the most risk, that will cause the most stretching and ultimately will require the most faith and reliability on God.  I can’t remember when I decided this, (or perhaps it has just intensified as of late), but this fearlessness has taken over my heart and I no longer want to do what is safe, comfortable and secure. I’m not talking about being foolish, I’m talking about being in the center of God’s will, no longer fearing being inadequate, but having faith that God has and will continue to equip me to everything He has and will call me to. It’s scary, uncertain, and risky, but at the same time it’s exhilarating, fulfilling and an unbelievably exciting adventure.

I have one life to live, I am not going to waste it on something comfortable. I want to risk it all, I want to jump without seeing what’s at the bottom, I want to swim as far as I can, without fearing what might be lurking in the deep waters.   I want to live, truly live.

Lord, I find life in your mystery.

..right here is where I belong.

Some days I question whether I am really cut out for this. Then I am reminded that If I always felt like I could do this, I would never grow, never need faith and most importantly I would never need to rely on God. What kind of life would that even be?!  I’m stepping out into new territory and it scares the heck out of me.  I often feel way under equipped but that seems to be the best place to find myself. It’s in this place that I refuse to live up to anyone’s standard except God’s alone.  I will not compromise what’s important for what is considered “cool” or “edgy”. That’s never been me, and it never will be. I have so much to learn.

Welcome to Leadership Development 101, Jess.

Memoirs of a younger me.

Mar 29, 2004

“"God has laid upon my  heart to start walking around my school each day (Like Jericho) Praying for different things each day. I was readying the notes I took at YC Fusion and i remembered that I stood up and made a commitment that i would be the person to glow in the darkness”

Mar 19, 2005

“Thank you for the doors you’ve opened, I’m grateful and thankful that you would wanna use me as an instrument to bring you glory. I’m glad to be a part of what your doing. I can’t wait to see what the future holds”

Mar 27, 2006

“Everyday I’m amazed again and again by how AMAZING God is. My mind can’t even begin to wrap around how big and great he is! The more I realize that Jesus is all I need, the more freedom I have and the better off I am”

Mar 21, 2007

“God has been teaching me a lot lately about His character. Particularly, that he is ultimately in control. I don’t know what will happen in the next hour or day, but God does and he already has a plan and purpose for it. He’s got my back through everything, even when no one else does.”

Mar 18, 2008

“I got accepted to PLBC today. Let the journey begin…..”

Mar 19, 2009

"Romans 4:18 – Against all hope Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations” “Against all hope, Jessica hoped and so…….(tba)”

March 18, 2010

“I haven’t been fighting, just sitting here and taking it – hoping it will eventually pass. But that’s not who God has called me to be. I’m a fighter, not someone who takes the hits. In this case it’s okay to fight back. Satan you lose.”

March 21, 2011

“Lord I fix my eyes on you, the author & perfector of my faith, the lover of my soul, the healer of my heart and the lifter of my head. My I not lose heart over the momentary troubles, but may I hold relentlessly to your promises”

It’s crazy how much changes within 7 years. Back then I never thought I would be here, with so much behind me. As I look back to 2004, I am blown away by how God has had his hand on me from the beginning.  Deep down I know that I am still that little girl, who was completely and totally captivated by her Saviour. No matter what came my way, I knew my Heavenly Daddy was going to take care of it all. I need to be more like “young jess”; carefree, trusting and uncomplicated in my thinking.

If I could have one wish, it would be that I never lose my childlike faith & trust in my Heavenly Father.

There’s still a chance for you, ‘cause there’s a spark in you.

 

The past few days have been really refreshing. There’s something about being real that brings such incredible freedom & tangible joy.  As I walk through the wreckage of my weakness, God has begun to reveal himself to me and most importantly he’s shown me that life still goes on. I don’t have to stop where I am and wait to be “fixed” in order to continue walking out my calling. In fact in the past week, opportunities have been falling into place with little or no effort from me. It’s seriously blowing my mind! God keeps showing me that he has my life figured out; every single detail and he would prefer me to just get out of the way and let him unfold it in His timing and His way.  What a relief to know I don’t have to figure it out on my own! What is even better is that He doesn’t require that I have it all figured out before I continue walking.

God is so unbelievably amazing. seriously.

This is Me: uncut & unpolished.

All too often the church isn't a safe place to be vulnerable. We judge the world for their sin, meanwhile Christians who are struggling feel the need to keep quiet because they fear that they too will be judged. People are hurting and we are arguing over whether we are Calvinist or Arminian, how we can make our services run flawlessly, or what people should and shouldn't be wearing. None of these are bad, but we shouldn't become so focused on the how-to’s or the method that we forget about reaching out to a lost, broken and dying world...a lot of which can easily be found in the Body of Christ.

I  feel like there is a lot of pressure put on me to be strong, put together, happy and always great. But what about when I'm not? I don't want to feel like I have to suck it up and put a smile on my face. I don’t like it when people are fake, and I often wonder how many times the people I know do that. There's some people I know who I have never seen show even the slightest moment of weakness. Perhaps they are super humans but I tend to think they aren’t. Everyone struggles and the more we come to that realization and let down our walls the more we can care for each other.

When people meet Christians who act as If their lives are never messy, they too feel the need to act that way.To be completely honest and upfront, I currently feel that way. But I'm done carrying the burden of "what if they think less of me?" or "what If they think I'm unattractive?" or "what if I lose out on opportunities?"  Who knew that my biggest resolution would become my greatest struggle. Whatever will be will be, and I'm done bearing this burden.

I just want to be me, no frills, no strings attached, no smoke & mirrors.  ME.

Currently, I feel like a mess. My heart hurts, and is heavier then ever. My eyes are tired from trying to hold back the tears, and my spirit is spent from trying keep myself "together". I've been crushed, broken and used, and no matter how much time passes Satan has a way of continuing to bring it up, telling me things like: "something is wrong with you and that's why guys don't want to date you…but would rather lead you on instead" or "you’re so far from your dreams coming true because you don't have your life all figured out" or "people are going to move on and forget about you"  (Oh God, my heart aches.) You don't have to tell me that these are lies because I know that full well, but not everything can be made better through a quick fix.  In fact I have no clue how this will “be fixed”. It’s really out my hands and times.

I'm not always okay, I'm not always strong or put together and I’m done feeling shameful because of it. God doesn't want me in my seeming perfection, he wants me right here, right now, in my raw emotion and brokenness. Life is hard, painful and exhausting and because of that we’re not always alright. The church is full of believers who are in need of authenticity, strength and a shoulder to cry on. My prayer is that our generation can understand the desperate need for the church to cultivate an atmosphere for people to find hope, love, freedom and healing. A place where being vulnerable is welcome, and where confession of sin & pain isn’t looked down upon.

I’ve been a Christian for nearly 22 years, and I still long for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be real. I know that I'll be okay because God is good beyond measure and has me right where he needs me to be. I just never want the people around me to think that they have to put on a face because they have never seen me struggle or feel weak.

I’m a beautiful mess, and I know that in the midst of my weakness & pain God isn’t ashamed to call me his daughter, so neither will I be.

This is me.