Chasm

I'm back in the place I grew up. I've lived here up until the past 2 years, when I went off to school and my parents moved 45 minutes away. That move brought so much freedom, and much needed escape from all the conflict that occured.
I havent been back for more than a few hours since I've been gone, that was until today. My parents moved back and I'm home for about 24 hours. As I drove up to one of the 2 stop lights that this town has I was hit with a wave of unpleasant memories.
So much of my life has been laced into these streets. I can think of a memory on every block, an encounter in every store. Unfortunately, it's always the painful ones that stand out.
I feel nervous, uneasy, and pretty much like im suffocating. Don't get me wrong, its amazing to be with family, its just this town, and the all to present past.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore, this isn't home, not right now anyways.
I leave tomorrow, not really having dealt with any of these emotions. I feel the need to cry, to mourn the loss of friendship and community within the body of Christ here.
Lord touch this town, sweep these streets with your grace and kindness. Teach your children to forgive, and to love one another like You first loved them.

Here I am sinner, broken and in need of You.

We are now halfway through the tour trip even though some days it seems like weve been out here for way longer. We are currently travelling through the state of New York, bound for Boston. We spent the weekend in Toronto ministering at a Filipino Foursquare church. During our time there we stayed with the pastors family and we were quickly introduced to their cultural foods. Being there reminded me a lot of Thailand as they eat a lot of rice and other ethnic things. I have come to find that I’m not a big fan of Filipino foods, crunchy bbq’d minnows really don’t appeal to me. Nevertheless we had a great time. Today we packed up and went to Niagara Falls. The falls are another testimony to the infinite power and greatness of the Creator. We decided to ride the “ Maid of the Mist” boat. At first I wasn’t too stoked, but decided to go to atleast get a poncho! It turned out to be so much fun, mainly because the ponchos were ridiculously huge, and we later realized why. As you get near the falls, you become soaking wet which was definetly not the highlight of the experience. Overall it was incredibly beautiful and I’m thankful that I got the chance to see it with my friends.
The other night for our devotion we spent time encouraging each other. While one person was on the hotseat we all went around and said things that we love, admire, are encouraged, or inspired by in regards to them. It was such a powerful time. It really showed me the importance of encouraging people and how words of affirmation and love transform not only the person who they are directed to but also the ones speaking them. When we were done the mood and attitude of the group was much lighter and more joyful. All too often we focus on the negative traits or habits of people and forget how truly amazing they are. It also made me realize how I really take the people in my life for granted and don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me and how they have affected my life. To those I love, thank you for everything you have sowed into my life, thank you for taking time to teach me, encourage me and raise me up to become who I am today. I appreciate you all so much and am so incredibally blessed to be able to call you friends and family 
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us as we are out here, please continue to pray that everything we do and say will reflect the love of Christ.

Your Love heals the wreckage of our souls.

Today is day 8 on the road. So far we’ve travelled through Montana, Wyoming, and South Dakota. I never knew how beautiful the other side of the Rockies is! We met up with the other team on the weekend and toured through Yellowstone Park with them. On Friday night we also watched them perform their skits. Honestly, we went into it thinking we were a lot better at ours, and overall had some pretty prideful attitudes. By the end of the night we were all completely humbled and put into a place of repentance. Something I realized is that just because we have the same skits and drime doesn’t mean that we have to do it all the same. In fact the way they performed the skits was very different then the way we do, and some of the lines were completely changed. But that was ok and we all came to realize that although we are one team we function in our giftings in unique ways which is just like the body of Christ. We have many denominations and many churches that live out their faith differently then each other. Each of them reaching a unique target audience through different means. The cool thing is that we are all united in the fact that we serve and worship the same God. However a lot of times we put all our focus on the differences instead of the incredible similarity we share
There is a church down the street from our school and I don’t particularly like their style of preaching, worship, or presentation. I’ve given some of the guys a hard time about it but I realized in the past couple days that I have no right to judge them. Just because I haven’t grown up with that style of church doesn’t make it wrong. In fact they are continually seeing people get saved week after week.
We need to get over ourselves, and stop judging other Christians because God intended us to be unique, not mindless robots. We are one body, called to one purpose, serving one God. That’s where our focus should be.
Our shows have been going really great. I got the privilege of leading worship with Kris in Wyoming this past Sunday and it was so incredible to be up there leading the body of Christ! Our message has been received and really taken to heart at all the churches we have stepped foot in. The theme of unity is something that everyone has admitted is much needed in their churches and families. It’s been so great to see how God has spoken to them through it.
Overall the trip so far has been a lesson in dying to self. Sometimes we go days without being able to shower, so I have to resort to washing my hair in a sink. (I’ve found it quite entertaining to seek out obscure places to do my hair and makeup such as computer screens, or the mirrors on overhead projectors!!!) We get stuck in a van for hours and hours and don’t always get a say in what we eat or where we stop along the way. Every day we have to consider the needs and wants of 9 other people instead of just ourselves. It’s tough, but it’s been an amazing process of sanctification, and refocusing. There is a little less than 4 weeks left, which seems like a lifetime at the moment, but I know that it will be 4 weeks of molding, shaping and breaking. Lord have your way!
P.s Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we have faced a lot of attack from the enemy because He knows that if the body of Christ unites it is an unstoppable and incredibly powerful force!

I will live a child in awe of You.

For those of you that don't know, I am spending 6 week of my summer with 8 amazing people traveling across the United States and from the east to west coast of Canada. We are doing worship, skits, and drime. We are bringing the churches a much needed message of unity, and challenging them to allow God to search their hearts to see if they themselves are causing division in the body of Christ.

Something I've come to realize over the years is that you can't preach a message without walking it out in your own life first. Thats exactly what I have been doing, as well as all of us as a team. Team work is hard, especially when the team is full of strong leaders. Everyone has an opinion, a certain way of doing things, and different ways of getting things done. But when you're on a team, ive quickly realized that you have to die to everything that you call your own.

I'm learning what it truly means to die to self daily. It means dropping my attitudes, laying down what I think I have right to, and for the most part simply learning to shut my mouth.

Through our skits we are portraying "The Body Bunch", each team member represents a part of the body and different characteristics. We have a mouth - who is super dominant and likes to do everything herself, ears - who gossips, feet- who feels inferior.

There are more roles but these ones are the ones that hit the church the hardest. Being a leader doesnt mean you take control. It means allowing others to contribute and be a part of the tasks. We need to watch what we say, theres a difference between being "informational" and "gossiping" If you wouldn't say it in front of the person, don't say it at al. If you feel inferior, talk to someone about it, it will only make it worse if you stay quiet. Also, allow God to reveal his truth and love to you regarding who you are and your place in His family. You are incredibly valuable!

This past week has been a whirlwind of practicing and getting everything ready. This past weekend we had our first 3 shows, and our message was recieved really well. For me this week has been one of God revealing in me the things that I say, do, that cause more harm then good, and motives and desires that are selfish. Like any human, its hard to own up to being selfish and having pride but God has clearly revealed areas of my heart that need to be surrendered. It's been an awesome process, and one thats been tough but so rewarding. As a group its been great to talk through our struggles and areas that we all need to work on in order to be able to walk and minister in unity. It's only been a week and we've already come so far.

I am so looking forward to the next 5 weeks. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be even close to who I am now come the end of this trip. The sweet thing is that these lessons and experiences will be ones that I can put into practice for the rest of my life.

Lord I surrender to you. Have your way in me, mold me, shape me, break me into who You created me to be. I pray that You'd go before us to prepare the way, and that as we minister to the body your name would be glorified and the church would become the powerful force that you have always intended us to be.

Keep us in your prayers if you think of it. And lastly, I'd challenge you to allow God to search your heart and to reveal to you areas that you can work on in order bring unity to the body of Christ. :)

Stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

I have a problem with waiting in almost every area of my life. I like to dream about my future and then try to jump ahead. I get glimpses of who God's creating me to be, or what kind of people he wants to bring down my path. This makes me want to skip the inbetween. But deep down I know that its the inbetween that makes the end so incredible.

It's in the inbetween that my character is built, my desires are refined and my faith is made stronger. In reality, If i jumped ahead, I wouldn't be ready for the situations and circumstances I would find myself in, whether good or bad.

Therefore I will wait and try to be as patient as possible. I won't waste this time wishing to be somewhere else, but I'll be sure to become all I can be and learn every lesson possible. Then when the inbetween is over, I'll be ready.

I'm gonna miss this.

Growing up, I didn't have a lot of really close friends. There werent many people who I shared my dreams, struggles, or passions with. But here, its a different story. I have thee most amazing friends. Theyve been there through it all, ups, downs, sideturns; you name it, they were there.

My 2nd year of college has felt more like my first. This year was when I got to know everyone and I formed friendships that will last for eternity.

This school year has also been defined by crazy brokenness and mass healing.

It's been quite the process, one in which I am so thankful for because It's made me who I am today, and I know that thats better than who I was yesterday. There is only 1 week left of the semester, and Im quickly realizing that I don't want to spend it in my room studying or doing homework. I want to spend it with my friends, outside in the sun because that oppurtunity isn't goin to be around forever.

Thankfully I get to spend an extra 6 weeks with some of my favourite people.

I refuse to think about sayin goodbye to them cause some I may never see again.

I look forward to what summer is going to bring, but I dread the emptiness of missing everyone.

Thankfully I'll be back in the fall, for another round.

PLBC family, ya'll are amazing, and have touched my life in an incredible way. Thanks for all the kind words, direction, wisdom and grace. I am blessed to call you sisters and brothers!

Set apart this dream.

Last week while I was at home I was going through some of my stuff and came across my journal from 2003-2006. As I read through the pages I was hit with the realization of how much I've changed, not all of it being in the way that I hoped. From the ages of 13-16, I had eyes for only God. I spent hours by myself laying on the church floor praying and listening to music hoping to catch an even greater glimpse of the God I was so incredibally in love with. I was whole, I knew who I was, I was confident, I was focused and more importantly I knew my worth. As I grew older and entered into a relationship, that seemed to change. I wasn't treated right and I didnt do anything about it till much later because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. Through disappointment, after disappointment I began to think that thats just how things are...this is what I'm worth. There has always been that small hope that says "There is something better, Your worth so much more than this, so much more than you can imagine". But lifes storms and let downs just didn't line up with that hope. So I gradually began to believe the lie that satan was feeding me.
It's almost been a year that i've been single, and I'm still dealing with the ramifications of my worth being worn down over a long period of time. So many people tell me "you have to look at what the Lord says about you"..and I know thats true, but it's not that easy. It's formed into a habit to think this way. Everytime I go with my sister to try on engagement rings, this thought always crosses my mind "Will there ever be a guy that will think I'm worth buying this for?" and No, It has nothing to do with material possessions.
It's takin me a while to actually admit that I struggle in this area, but i've heard that the first step to recovery is admitting that I have a problem. so here it is.
Lord I need your help, please break past the lies that i've bought into about who I am and what I'm worth. I know that you see me as a rare diamond that is to be treasured, and that someday 'Mr right' will see that too. In the meantime, I choose to be defined by what You say, not by my past experiences or words that have been spoken, but by Your Truth.

"Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" - Luke 12:7