2012 Summary

The highlights of my year can be summed up in pictures:

Dating & Getting Engaged to the man of my dreams

I traveled to many places my fav being Hawaii!

Graduating with my pals!

Spending time with my Niece

Growing closer to my family and seeing God work wonders in their lives.

I am thankful for everything that God did in my life over 2012 and the amazing blessings that he gave me. There was however a lot of mistakes that I made this year all of which I refuse to carry in to 2013.

1. People Pleasing -  I let people's opinions hold me back from being who I am called to be.
2. Peace-lessness - The majority of this year was spent full of anxiety, stress and no rest. I refuse to spend another year in that draining state.
3. Apathy - I need to invest in the people and places God has placed me
4. Desert dwelling - 2012 was a very dry year spiritually and I began to stop putting the effort in. So thankful the Lord doesn't let us stray to far!
5. Pessimism - The struggles of this year seemed to harden my heart a bit and leave me feeling hopeless and like change would never come. This resulted in become somewhat of a pessimist. Please Lord let me see my circumstances through your eyes!

*Sigh*...feels good to get that off my shoulders!
I am gladly saying goodbye to 2012 and I am full of expectation as I step into 2013! I know that it is a year of trusting God because it's going to be full of unexpected turns & big leaps of faith!
Thank you Lord that you go before us and prepare the way!
I lay this year in your hands - do with it (& me!) as you see fit.

April 22, 2012

After 4 years a huge chapter of my life has come to a close.

 ...here's to the future.

I'm gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..

I am so close to finishing my last paper and it's taking everything within me to push through. Not because I am lazy or because I enjoy procrastinating, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to finish it because that means I'm one step closer to letting go of everything PLBC. 

The closer graduation gets the more my stomach hurts and my chest tightens.

So much has changed over the past 4 years...and so much has changed over the past 1 year. The majority of those changes have been amazing and awesome but I still find it hard to deal with the ones that were supposed to be close to my heart. 

I'm not close to the people I used to be.

Things change, but time heals eventually.....right?

......Here's to letting go

......Here's to moving forward..

To My BC Family.

Over the past 2 years I have had the privilege of living with Don & Gail Sullivan & fam. I didn't know them very well when I first moved in but they quickly became family. From the moment I walked into their house - before I even knew I would be staying there - I had such peace and the feeling of "this is home". They treated me like I was one of their own kids and often let me have large amounts of students over for movies or eggo parties! Sure I paid rent every month, but they often went above and beyond what they needed to. When I was sick they gave me meds, they bought loads of white bread just for me, and they were always present at my recitals.  I moved out this past week and have quickly realized just how extremely blessed I was to have been able to stay there.

To the Sullivans:
-Thank you for giving me a home away from home
-Thank you for all your support in regards to schooling, music and the plans that God has for me.
-Thank you for giving me a job at your shop.
-Thank you for all the white bread you bought me
-Thank you for allowing me to have friends over
-Thank you for putting up with Luke ;)
-Thank you for always looking out for me and for making sure I had what I needed when I was sick
-Thank you for your encouragement, correction and love
-Thank you for going above and beyond what you needed to.
-Thank you for forcing me to learn how to cook (even though i still have a LONG way to go!)
...the list could go on and on!

I love you guys and I am so extremely thankful that God allowed our paths to run parallel for the past 2 years.  I pray that God will continue to bless you and that many more students will find a "home" in your guys' place :)
Miss you already!

Love,
Jess

twelve days.

I'm so close its scary.
It's hard to focus on finishing well when there is seemingly more important things to take care of.
So much change is happening.
I'm learning to express myself and not repress it.
I'm struggling to be okay with having unanswered questions and worries
I miss my family and hate that I'm missing out on my niece growing up.
Stress has become a norm, unfortunately.
I worry that when I graduate all this weight upon my shoulders won't be lifted like I expect it to be
I need a vacation
I need a job
Jesus is the only person who has never failed me, yet I struggle to trust him the most.
I've lost my passion to dream and the childlike faith that comes with it.
I can't wait to leave the Christian bubble.
I fear I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
I feel as if all hell is against me...oh wait it is.

.....all the while you hold my world secure in the palm of your hand.  Thank-you.

32 days.

God, please let me see your church like you do... 

...love them like you do

...believe in them like you do

...care about them like you do

'cause i'm struggling with all of the above.

I am nothing without you..

The past few days leading up to my worship night have been hard. I have a cough, my throat hurts and I have become discouraged.  Doesn't God know I need to sing tomorrow? Doesn't God know I can't fulfill this school requirement unless he intervenes? Doesn't he know that lots of people are going to be there?!

But......

         Do I realize this isn't about me?

         Do I realize how much I've thought I can do this on my own?

         Do I grasp the reality that my very life depends on Christ's desire for me to live?

         Do I understand that my giftings are for his glory alone?

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" - 2 Cor. 12:9

Needless to say I've come to the realization that I am nothing and can do nothing without Christ. There is no way I can get up there tomorrow and sing without him strengthening my voice. There is no way anyone will be impacted without him pouring out upon us. There is no way I can, or want to, do this in my own strength.

I need you more, 

more than the air i breathe, 

more than the song i sing,

 more than my next heart beat, 

I need you more

I know that God is faithful and that he will provide me with everything I need to walk through tomorrow night.  My weakness is great, but his grace, strength, power, wisdom and love are far greater.  

Lord you are all I need, I lay everything I am &everything I lack before you.

Please fill me up with you...so I can pour you out to those around me. 

It's all about you. It's all about you. It's all about you.

Ican'tbelieveitsalmostmarchahh.

I haven't written in over a month and the only reason I can think of is because I've been out living life instead of just writing about it. Life is hectic and as per usual I am finding it hard to balance everything that is important to me. But through the thick forest God has shown me rays of light that are challenging me to the core.

1. Integrity is more important than we can begin to imagine. I don't know about you, but I want God to be able to use me anywhere and at anytime he wants. Obviously he doesn't need my help in order to accomplish his purposes but it is possible for us to disqualify ourselves by participating in senseless acts of disobedience that have lasting negative consequences.
* Be a man or woman of Integrity - don't give yourself a "just this once" opportunity that you will regret! It's hard but God's been teaching me how to count the cost of living a life worthy of my calling - it's worth it!

2. Be yourself, be comfortable in your giftings and never doubt the plans God has for you.
Only 1.5 months till graduation and I have no clue "what I am going to do with my life". My verse for the year is Matt 6:33 "Do not worry" so I am trying my best to walk that out. It's a challenge but at the same time its frees me up to enjoy the last bit of this life chapter. I am learning to take my giftings in stride and allow God to release them in His timing and not my own. His plans are good, solid and trustworthy. Trust him.

Life is exciting, stretching and refreshing. Thank you God for teaching me how to be me and how to rest in your plan.

You were born for such a time as this..

Where to begin! Life is changing fast and it's taking my heart and head so much longer to catch up and begin to really comprehend all that is going on.  My major theme for this year is Risk: expect the unexpected and therefore I shouldn't be surprised that we're only 22 days into 2012 and yet every single moment of it has been unexpected. I am so incredibly blessed to be on the path that God has me on - it's scary, stretching, hard, riveting, exciting and ultimately so worth it.
Recently I've been realizing that it is going to require a ton of faith for me to stay out here in BC. It would be easier for me to go home and live with my parents - it would be easier for me to go to another school and not have to worry about building roots or making long term plans.

But i've never been called to easy, nor do I want to take the easy way out. 

I am staying in BC and though I don't know how it will all work out, I can see that the future is extremely bright and that God's hand is heavy upon it.
I am stepping out in faith, completely unaware of where I am headed, but fully understanding that God's hand is guiding me every inch of the journey. lets.do.this!
What is God asking you to do that you are too scared to do or that you don't feel like you have enough faith for?  Step out and see where he takes you  - i guarantee, you won't regret it.

"It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of Me" -Jesus.

you still get my heart racing...

I can't believe how fast this year is already flying by! The past 8 days have contained more love, thinking, heartache, family, and joy than some people experience in a lifetime.  I spent the past 3 weeks in Manitoba with my family and it was such an amazing time. It wasn't anything like we expected it to be and if we could we would all go back and change the circumstances -but God knows whats best and we don't. It's unfortunate that it takes death to bring people together, but that seems to be the way that life goes.

Death is tough no matter how close or far you are from the person.
Death puts life into perspective faster than anything else.
Death separates what's important from whats not important
Death makes you think about purpose, eternity and how fragile life is.

As I sat at the funeral for my aunt I couldn't help but think about heaven, healing and my faith.  How does someone recover from the loss of their spouse? How can they possibly go on in any state of normalcy? Without grace, patience, perseverance, love and time they can't.  I am so thankful that God is so patient with his children and that no matter what circumstances come their way he is there to hold, guide, comfort, and strengthen. He is so so good to us, no matter what.

Needless to say this year is going to be nothing like I expect it to be - it already hasn't been.  I welcome this with open arms trusting that God indeed does know what is best for his children.  I haven't set any resolutions because honestly they seem pretty meaningless and I'm tired of trying, in my own strength, to become someone I think I should be.  Instead I have chosen to simply "seek first the kingdom.." - everything else will fall into place.

Heres to 2012 - the best is yet to be.

2011 Reflections

Near the end of every December I write up a blog about what I've learn't over the past year. It's something that gives me perspective and that will later be a reminder of another step in the journey that God has me on.

These are the major lessons that 2011 taught me:

1. Change is inevitable - usually painful - but always worth it

2. Sometimes God takes people out of your life to make room for new people

3. I need to hold my dreams, hopes, plans and my very life with open hands and allow God to take and do with them what he pleases.

4. Tomorrow is not guaranteed therefore nothing & no one should be taken for granted

5. I need to not be so serious

6. Spontaneity is a must

7. God's timing is perfect and patience is key.

8. The plans I create for myself are so small compared to the plans God has in mind.

I am so thankful for where God has taken me this year. There has been tears, heartache and loneliness but it's ended in wholeness, joy and a renewed hope & vision. I just stumbled upon a blog I wrote on Jan 3rd of this year in which I listed what 2011 was going to be for me....and it's crazy to look at that and see the process I went through in order for the majority of those desires to come to fruition.

This year has been phenomenal! I never expected to be where I am now, to be close to the people I am, to have the job I have and not to mention all the opportunities I've received. I am so blessed and thankful for the journey that God has me on. No matter how tough it may be at times, I wouldn't change any of it for the world!
Here are some of the highlights:

I see your face in every sunrise....

I snapped this picture, on my 8am flight, as God reminded me of how infinitely vast he is. I've recently been overwhelmed by fears and insecurities that stem from past hurts and disappointments. I've realized that it's so easy to get caught up in a situation and forget about the big picture. All I saw in these moments of struggle was the thick layer of clouds over my head, but God sees this struggle in light of the big picture of who he is calling me to be.  He is the sun, who shines high above the clouds where the skies are clear, blue, peaceful, and calm. He sees all and is always present despite the dark & heavy clouds that seem to block out his light.  This gives me so much peace, comfort and joy.
No matter what we face, God is always present walking with us through every hurt, pain, joy, victory, sorrow, disappointment, win, and struggle.
I am so thankful that God puts me into situations that cause me to dig deep into the areas of my heart that I've kept hidden and locked up. It's tough, messy and sometimes unpleasant but so worth it.
God, please have your way in me as I try my best to let you tear down all my walls. 

Time goes by...

10 days till utter relaxation  

10 days till I can fully breathe again  

10 days till I stop missing my family  

10 days till I am no longer pulled in 100 directions  

10 days till I fly home.

...God help me to finish well.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how I need to hold everything I have been given with open hands. My possessions, my friends, my plans, my hopes, and my dreams. I don't want to hold so tightly to something that it destroys me if the Lord sees it fit to remove it from my life.  Life is often seriously sobering in it's way of dealing with life and death. Today I realized that I need to hold my very life with open hands.

He is God. I am not. 

He knows what's best. I don't.

Theres no way I will ever be able to fathom the mysteries of God and why he allows some to suffer, why he takes some early and others late, and why he has chosen pain as the means to cause us to grow. 

I will never understand God, and the faster I realize that and just trust that he knows what he is doing, the better life will be.

God teach me how to have open hands.... 'cause honestly it scares the heck out of me.

take me back to the day...

Verbal communication is a lost art. 

can't we just talk?

...we found love in a hopeless place.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are put into a situation where you have previously failed miserably in the same way over and over?

I had one of those moments this week, and for once I did it right. 

For once I feel like I finally listened to God's still small voice.

For once I feel empowered and not trampled upon.

For once, I feel free... scared, but free.

I can't stop smiling about it.

You are God, of all else I'm letting go...

This past weekend some friends and I had the privilege of leading worship at a church in Oak Harbor, Washington. It was an amazing time of fellowship, encouragement and building new friendships. While I was there I observed something that hit me in a deep and profound way.  The Pastor is an amazing guy who is not only a full time pastor but also a husband and father.  On the first night, while we were sitting in a multi million dollar house eating way too much food, we were introduced to his 3 children. When they walked in the door, he got up quickly and with great excitement as his children ran into his arms yelling "Daddy! Daddy!". He greeted them like he hadn't seen them in days, but in reality it was only a few hours.  He spent the rest of the night watching over them, playing games and just soaking in every moment he had with them.  That same night, as we prepared for the worship night and tons was going on, his kids arrived and received the same open, welcoming embrace.  He could have so easily told them he was busy, that he would see them later, or even scolded them for their exuberance.  For some reason, and to my own horror, I expected those things to happen and when they didn't, God burst into my heart and said: 

"That's how I act when you come to me, that is how excited I am when we spend time together.  No matter how many times we talk each day, each conversation is fresh, captivating and beautiful"

It nearly brought me to tears. Without even realizing it, I've allowed this "image" of a God who is rigid, patience-less, bored with me, or who has better things to do than spend time with me, invade my heart and replace the truth of who God really is. He is loving, kind, compassionate, he adores his children, loves to spend time with them and would do anything (even give his very life) to give them the best life possible.  

God I pray that this would soak into the deep recesses of my heart. May your true identity and character swallow up all those thoughts, ideas and lies that have crept in. I pray your children would have a greater revelation of who you are, what you are capable of and how much you love them.

Thank you for being such a loving Father.

Let's be honest..

The #1 thing I think about is me. What is best for me? what should I do today? What is going to make me happy? How can I further myself? How can I become better?  I, Me, I, Me, I, Me. 

What about him, her, them?

Recently I've been so focused on what I am doing after school and of course this is important to ponder, pray and seek God about but I'm starting to wonder if I am way off base. I've been questioning my motives for wanting to go to Bethel or IHOP and also for wanting to leave here.

 If I'm honest with myself, the majority of my motives are pretty blurred and selfish. 

I want to position myself in a place where I can gain a name for myself, I want to run with the big wigs of worship leading and the Christian faith, I want to find a guy, and I want to run from the hurts and issues that are here in hopes that they won't find me in america. 

Tonight I hung out with some new friends who are stumbling through their first year of PLBC trying to find the ropes and mostly learning the hard way. They asked me "Who do you see in the first year class, that will be like you and your friends in 4th year? The person who will lead retreats & is given leadership roles?"  I looked them in the eye and said "Every single one of you has the potential to be on SLT,  a retreat worship leader or staff member, it's just a matter of you doing your best and pushing yourself forward in the callings that God has placed on your life" 

We hung out for a while, them asking questions and me trying my best to give them answers, and for once it wasn't about me.  I wasn't trying to impress them with my "vast amount of 4th year knowledge" nor was I in it to benefit myself. My heart ached for them to understand their purpose, the importance of having a godly attitude toward gratis & classes, how their daily choices affect who they are in 4 years, and most importantly how vital it is for them to fix their attention on Christ. 

I've been put in a place of influence, and tonight I really felt the joy, hope and fulfillment of pouring into those God has placed in my life.  They may not have gotten anything out of it, but God sure spoke to me.  I need to stop thinking about how fast I can get out of here and instead focus on giving God my best and using my time to lead, guide and pour my life into the generations coming up behind me. 

Be thou my wisdom.

 

O God be my everything, be my delight.
              Be Jesus, my glory, my soul satisfied.
                                           My Jesus, you satisfy.

I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop.

It's terribly hard to believe that it's nearly November. October has drifted away with days of work/classes and nights of sitting in the library doing homework. It's all become quite monotonous & i'm beginning to dream of days when I can wake up late, and spend hours watching season after season of a TV show.
Next semester promises to be a lot less hectic, but I have a feeling it won't be as chill as I hope it will be.

"When?" is the biggest question that I am currently asking God.

How can so much ride on such a small word?

Time will tell. Time always tells.